“The Write Way to Speak,” by Aidan Fitzmaurice

Aug 20th, 2015 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

“I’m so proud to stand before you after yet another year of increased profits. At this rate there is not a single competitor who can claim any more than 6% of the market share. The team that sits before me is the sole reason for this. It is your hard work, your extreme dedication, your attention to detail and inability to let anything, regardless of how small it may be, slide that allows us to grow while the rest of the market slows. With this team in place, their is no way we can fail. Now, do we have any… ah yes I can see a hand raised already, that’s what I like to see. You have a question?”

“Just a small point; a minute ago you said ‘their’ when you really should have said ‘there.'”

“Excuse me?”

“Well… you said ‘their‘ is no way we can fail,’ with their spelt t-h-e-i-r. You should have said ‘there‘ is no way we can fail.'”

“Oh…I see. You say I said ‘their’?”

“Yes, ‘their’.”

“When I should have said….’their.'”

“No sir, ‘there.'”




“That’s it!”

“Excellent. Well allow me to correct myself; with this team in place, there is no way we can fail. You see this is what I was talking about. Its this kind of attention to detail, this attitude of perfectionism that allows us to—”

“Sorry sir, if I may?”

“If you may? Yes of course you may.”

“It’s just a second ago you said ‘its‘ when you really should have said ‘it’s.'”

“Really? I was sure I said it’s.”

“I’m afraid not sir, you said ‘its.'”

“You’re positive I said it incorrectly?”

“Positive sure. Unless you want to claim ‘this kind of attention to detail’ should be preceded by the possessive form?”

“Ha ha, very good young man. No, obviously I wouldn’t do such a thing. Thank you for once again correcting me. It seems I’ve left my language hat at home, we’ll be here all knight at this stage!”

“All night sir.”


“We’ll be here all night sir, not all knight. These are hardly medieval times.”

“No, no there not are they.”

“They’re not.”

“Their not.”





“That’s right sir.”

“They’re not medieval times which is why I shouldn’t have said we’ll be here all night.”

“No you should have said that sir.”

“Right. Because there not… oh I’ll just say because they are not medieval times, I should have said night instead of knight.”

“Excellent sir!”

“Well, I’m glad we got threw that one. I was afraid—WHAT? Whats wrong? Why are you all grimacing?”

“It’s ‘through’ sir, not ‘threw.’ And you need to pop an apostrophe before the s if you’re going to say ‘what’s.'”


“Do you mean ‘right’ sir?”


“Are you ok sir?”

“Yes. May i continue?”

“Don’t forget to capitalise the ‘i’ sir.”

“FINE. May I continue?”

“Of course sir.”

“Ok. Id… I would like two… to say what a privilege it is too… to have had you driving this company foreword… forward. For the last 6 years youve… you have bean… been the reason fore… for every success weave… we’ve had,”

“Em… sir?”

“WHAT? What could it be this time? I caught myself on every single verbal mistake I could have made! What did I do wrong this time? WHAT?”

“Well sir you did catch yourself on all the verbal mistakes you made, but you did make a numerical one.”

“A numerical one.”

“Yes sir.”

“And what might that have been?”

“Well sir, it’s commonly agreed you should spell the number out if the number is between one and nine. So you really should have said ‘six’ instead of ‘6.’ Also you finished the sentence with a comma. That’s why I assumed you had more to say.”

“You know, oph all the petty little things you could call—”

“‘Of’ sir.”


“It’s spelt ‘of’ sir.”

“I know it’s—Ha! See I can do it!—I know its spelt… I know it’s spelt ‘of,’ what other way is there to spell it?”

“I’m afraid you said ‘oph’ sir.”

“Why on earth would I say—”

“Capitalise it sir if you’re referring to the planet—”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! That’s it, I’m finished with this nonsense and so are you! Your…you are all fired, every single last one of you. Out! Now! Yes you, what do you want, you heard me didn’t you? Every single one of you is fired!”

“But there is only one of me sir.”

“Only… only 1? How could there be only 1?”

“One sir. That’s ok, don’t worry about it. You never were great with numbers were you? Oh and while we’re on the subject of numbers, we’re not in profit, we’re completely bankrupt. Have been for 4, excuse me, for four years now. That’s why they put you in this ward.”


“No sir, profit.”





“Prophet! Prophet prophet prophet!”




Defenestration-Aidan Fitzmaurice2Aidan Fitzmaurice is a writer from Dublin who also lives in Dublin and is based in Dublin. Sometime he wonders if there is anything outside Dublin which is why he started making up stories.

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