“Lifelong Bed Rest: Living the Dream,” by Paige Lockhart

Jun 10th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“A life well slept, is a life indeed.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Bed life, everybody needs a friend
Bed life, we all got a space to fill
Bed life, everybody wanna be on top
Life, it ain’t that funky”
—Ja Rule

You know you’re getting older because you are aging, and because you are aging, surely you have noticed how difficult it can be to force yourself out of bed each morning. Do not mistake this feeling of lethargy as some sort of warning sign from your body. This new age tendency to portray fatigue as some kind of physical ailment is a bunch of hogwash. Low iron levels are a myth, and any sweat producing exercise can lead to a severe imbalance in your body’s humors. Not to mention, my Nana (who was at once the leading sage of insightful tidbits and world famous for her mind-blowing collection of miniature spoons) alway told us that sweat is the devil’s way of suckin’ the good lord’s virtue from your pores.

Your body’s impulse for comfort and slumber is similar to a bear’s natural tendency to hibernate. The fight or flight response is actually a negative reaction to the constant pressures and stresses that human beings endure as they are exposed to the push and shove, fast-lane, lifestyle. Cavemen were called cavemen because they spent most of their lives in their beds, which were located in caves, and they had virtually no fight or flight response which is why they weren’t afraid to choke buffalos and wrangle sloths the size of elephants. Once you are bedridden, your body starts it’s dissolving process wherein the the fight or flight juices stored in your body slowly evaporate, and all of your anxieties melt away.

My family has been using secret and successful ancient healing practices for generations, and I’m speaking from experience. I’ve spent the last seven years sandwiched between between my 1,000 thread count egyptian cotton sheets and my $850 white goose down comforter (thank you Nana, RIP).

Do not try on air mattresses, waterbeds, and hammocks.


Defenestration-Generic Female 02Paige Lockhart holds a BA in English from The University of Missouri-Kansas City and attends the MFA program at The University of Tennessee in Knoxville. Her poems and short stories have appeared in Bayou Magazine, Weave Magazine, Number One, and Bear Review. On July 8th, 2014 she ate a phenomenal banana, the best one to date.

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