“Marijuana Has No Effect, Study Says,” by Louis Scheuer

May 13th, 2015 | By | Category: Prose

Now if you’re anything like me, you’re British, wear only white socks and sometimes cry yourself to sleep. You’ve also had it up to here with these constant Marijuana-related revelations. Every day it’s either The Sun printing some story about an asthmatic 95-year-old AIDs victim dying after one joint, or it’s some heavily-dreaded druggie’s blog stating that the enigmatic herb can now cure cancer. As you can imagine, it pleased me to no end when a new study sauntered in and debunked every single one of these mad-hat theories, as well as shedding some light on the drug for us non-users.

A team of specialists from the University of Birmingham, supervised by a Professor Gene Lang, have been extensively studying the cannabis plant for over three years and, on Saturday, made their first major breakthrough. Rather than trying to explain the fine details in my own words, I’d be better off showing you the Professor’s own tweet made on Saturday afternoon shortly after the discovery was made:

“A series of thorough tests, scans and surveys have revealed that, despite popular myth, the ‘drug’ marijuana has absolutely no effect, positive or negative, on the human mental or physical state.”

Now when I logged into twitter two hours after the Professor made his tweet, it had only been seen by 212 of his meagre 1,092 followers. But, as night drew in and the elusive hashtag #weeddoesnothing began to spread, other marijuana users started ‘coming out.’

“@ProfessorGeneLang my parents were always insistent that weed causes long-term psychological damage- but I could be sure that my brother was just a massive psycho all along!”

“#weeddoesnothing mann I swer dis is true!!!! wenever im blazin wiv m8s I swer I cant feel a fing do u rekon my m8s cant neether dey jus 2 scarred to accually mention it???”

It wasn’t long before the discovery garnered widespread media coverage. Cypress Hill’s B-Real, known for condoning the drug in songs like Hits from the Bong and I Wanna Get High, broke down crying in an interview for his appearance at the upcoming 420 SmokeUp Festival. Teary-eyed, the rapper praised Lang’s article for giving him the confidence to “come out of the closet,” confessing that his lifelong love for marijuana was nothing more than a “sick corporate image thing.” Between sobs Mr. Real went on to state that he’d never noticed any intoxicating effects, and that he’d only ever wanted to write simple songs about his love for cider.

Soon enough the story went global. 180,000 new followers and 50,000 re-tweets later, Professor Lang finally graced the public with a full article on the subject, topping the cake of scientific discovery with the sweet icing of confirmed statistics and primary sources. Shortly after Lang was interviewed by journalist and broadcaster Gary Pewer.

Professor Gene Lang, what exactly are the functions of marijuana, if any?

I’ve witnessed marijuana being smoked in pipes and bongs by teenagers. This is in order to appear ‘willing’ or ‘cool’ to their friends without putting up with the harmful effects of tobacco. Many youths secretly smoke marijuana in faux-cigarettes to avoid the consequent headrush and nausea that tobacco causes. Large doses of marijuana can be used as a makeshift draft excluder, or to pad out or add weight to a suitcase meant to contain certain quantities of real drugs, perhaps as a decoy for the police or as a scam directed at local buyers.

Does this discovery mean that marijuana did not actually have a positive effect on music?

That’s right. Bob Marley was actually just talented.

And The Beatles too?

No they were off their faces on LSD.

But what with every darn government under the sun now buying into this ‘wonder drug,’ I don’t expect Professor Lang’s proven scientific research will go very far. It’s possible that, by the time I post this article, his findings are nowhere to be seen but lurking the dark alleys of the internet. The people in charge are making a killing off of marijuana, and they’re not about to let some rogue expert prove that no laughing fits, increased libido, euphoria or creativity will ever come from sparking up.

Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanLouis Scheuer is a professional cynic from Britain. He likes to think his nihilistic world-view and dislike for conformity awards him the title of “anarchic”, but most people just refer to him as “unemployed”. When he’s not churning out satire from the depths of his icy heart Louis enjoys playing music and taking walks.

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