“[ETC.]” by Sean Pravica

May 27th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

CL inland empire > et cetera jobs



I’m Bryce. There’s so much happening right now and my schedule is crammed to the gills that suddenly I went all genius and realized I needed to make one big, epic post to cover all I need to say. Get this: I need a job, am looking for a place to live, have a demo of my music I’m willing to give to anyone who can truly appreciate it, and I want to know who that sexy chick was at the gas station yesterday. I think we had a moment, so hopefully you check out Craigslist on the regular, sweetie.

First thing’s first. I’m what people call multidimensional. I play guitar, sing, write poetry, surf, rock climb, skateboard, sometimes rap, and am in general an easy-going free spirit. Plus when I’m in the kitchen you’ll just be like, “Fuck, is that my 90-year old grandma or just some chill-ass dude?” I make a chicken carciofi that will transport you to another world. I even own a set of chef’s whites. They were given to me by a contemporary I hold in high esteem.

Obviously, I have many intangible qualifications for many different career choices. Because I’m the type that goes with it, not against it, I think it would be silly and counterproductive for me to seek specific jobs myself. Instead, I’d like all potential employers out there to hit me up with whatever position you deem fit for me. I will then select those that I personally feel most called to doing and move into the second stage of my job search. I will inform you shortly of my decision. I’m a very quick communicator, kind of like Teddy Roosevelt. That fool wrote people back faster than a virgin goes in his condom. Seriously, text me. I’ll hit you back in like a minute. I’m always on my phone.

As for the housing situation, dude. I kick so much ass as a roommate! Living with me is like living with this ginormous ass and you just keep kicking it the whole time I’m there. You want to party? I’ll outlast every one of your frat boy buddies and won’t even hit on anyone’s girlfriend. You want to stay in and be quiet? I’m just as down. I’ve got about 500 movies on my computer. I can burn any one of them onto a DVD so I might as well be a personal Netflix minus the shipping, fees, and corporate whackness. I even have Chocolat so if your girl is over I’m going to get you laid.

I do chores, mine and yours, because I’m a neat freak but not the kind that gets all bent out of shape if you’re not. I just keep shit clean as a matter of principle. You can be the sloppiest cat on Earth and I’ll still pick up after you like I like it, because on a cosmic level I actually do. I just like things in order. I’m very harmonious. Which reminds me, I’m deep into feng shui and the meditative arts so if your life is stressful I’ll calm your ass down quick. You’ll likely notice positive changes within an hour of meeting me. Seriously, some people pay a lot of money for therapy. Living me with me is like living with a psychologist, life coach, and shaman all in one. And all my services are FREE!

And did I mention the chicken carciofi?

This next point of interest may relate to the above or it may relate to a totally different audience. As I said before, I’m not a one-trick pony. Not even close. I’m more like a race horse that can also play the piano. I recorded this demo that I’m willing to give away totally free to anyone who wants it. For real. I’m just like, put it into the universe. Let what you love go free, and if it comes back, guess what? Meant to fucking be. So if you want my music, stuff that’s too avant-garde to be mainstream but too cutting-edge to be ignored, a blend of jazz, hip-hop, folktronica, industrial, and dream pop, hit. me. up. It’s yours.

Here’s the catch, if you can even call it that. You have to promise me that you’ll do everything in your power to share it with the world. Hopefully you drive and you drive often, and not only by yourself but with others people. Put that shit on wherever you go. Ask the dude at your gym to put it on the speakers. If he says no, pay him a compliment about how big he looks, ask him again, and then finish by telling him that his calves are some of the best you’ve ever seen. This is a kind of persuasive trick, by the way, that I am willing to teach you for free so that you can unlock your true potential.

My music is essentially family friendly so you can play it around your kids, too. There’s some stuff about sex, but it glorifies the human form and celebrates our most carnal selves. If you ask me, kids should know about sex. The only problem in our society is who teaches them about it. I promise that my view on sex is very positive and that comes out in the music. They will probably grow up to be very balanced and independent people if they have influences like my music in their lives.

If you know anyone in the music industry at all, even the dude who scrubs toilets at Capitol Records, I will personally deliver my demo to your ass on the double.

Lastly, and hell this might relate to everything else too which would make you my dream girl. To the chick at the 76 station on Foothill in Rancho at 2:26 in the afternoon, get back at me! You: red hair, curves like the highway along the coast, eyes like the full moon on an otherwise starless night, and an obvious intelligence. I can really read people and I was just like, damn!

Me: I’m what you’ve already read about but in case you need to match a face with the talents I was the really good looking guy in the Kobe Bryant Jersey. My hair is a little scraggly right now but that’s because my life is a whirlwind. That said, I’ll be the eye in your hurricane. Despite all that’s going on for me personally I’m very centered. See the roommate comments above.

You looked back at me when I called out “Sup!” and winked at your fine ass. Your laugh was incredible. Like, you are so obviously laid back and were very clearly laughing with me and then had the independence to go about your business and walk right out the door, get into your Mercedes, and drive away without saying a word to me. I like that. Most girls I meet fall too hard, too fast, and quite frankly I’m just not that kind of dude. I’ve got a heart bigger than a blue whale’s but I’m not into needy, clingy chicks. Hey, I get that we don’t know each other and for all I know you’re some nutso whack job but I’m willing to take a chance on you. Hit me up and soon if you feel me. Timing is everything and if you hesitate you just might miss out on something very, very special.

I believe this concludes my post. Let me be your employee, roommate, favorite musician, lover, or any combination of the above.

I’m looking forward to meeting each and every one of you. My apologies to anyone I don’t get back to who has something to offer. If you don’t hear from me it’s only because the universe didn’t feel we needed to be in each other’s lives, not because you’re unworthy. You can be anything you want to be, always remember that.

Much love and peace,


Defenestration-Sean PravicaSean Pravica is a writer and entrepreneur living in Southern California. He has been nominated for writing awards including Sundress Press’ Best of the Net as well as the storySouth Million Writer’s Award. Bryce surfaces as a supporting character in his first novel, Stumbling out the Stable, due for release by Pelekinesis Press in November 2015.

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