From: Prof. Glen Hancock
September 1, 2014.
Hello, All, and welcome to Fun with European Literature! I am looking forward to an exciting and stimulating online experience with all of you. I have attached a syllabus and reading list so we all know what to expect. I hope one or two of you read it! LOL!
Speaking of what to expect, let me say right now that I am aware that my last name has the word “cock” in it. This is not news to me. Believe me, I have heard all the jokes, but I imagine one or two of you will try to come up with something new anyway. Do your best! LOL.
Please complete Assignment 1 on the syllabus before next online class, and have your homework e-mailed to me before that day. I hope this doesn’t sound too, oh – Republican, but the University has expectations, so I’ve got to sound like the bad guy sometimes. LOL.
I’m really looking forward to sharing a great electronic learning experience with all of you!
Educationally yours,
Glen
***
From: Prof. Glen Hancock
To: Class1
September 8, 2014.
Okay, you surprised me! A lot more than one or two of you decided to make fun of my name, and to be perfectly honest, there were a lot of new ones. What a creative class we have here! Hopefully not so creative that we can’t get any work done, ha ha!
To be perfectly honest again, some of the jokes/comments you people submitted were a little hurtful. I know this was not intentional, but still – ouch! LOL. Let’s try to tone down the sexually abusive terms in the future, shall we?
And speaking of that, I guess some sort of explanation or apology is in order on my part. In my introductory message, I said something about looking forward to an exciting and stimulating online experience, and apparently some of you took that expression to heart. While I appreciate the rather voluminous submission of photos of vaginas, that type of thing is not really an appropriate use of university time, and I would suggest it discontinue. Not that I didn’t like viewing them, LOL! I’ve got nothing against the current trend of posting or e-mailing “selfies” and do not want to discourage any of you from your natural sexual expression. But I could get in trouble. I have therefore listed my private e-mail at the end of this message.
And on a related note, the photos of penises can stop sooner rather than later. I remind you that I am a man, and while I am far from homophobic, my wife is beginning to express concern about the quantity of dongs appearing on my laptop.
But on to business! Thank you all for submitting your homework on time (I am considering many of the “Hancock” jokes as homework, as these first few weeks the administration will be checking up on class participation). Many of the assignments were well-written, and a few even were on topic. LOL! LOL a lot.
Please, folks, let’s try and take this seriously! This is your education! I know I said I wanted us all to have fun, but it’s important that we all learn something at the same time, right? It’s fine to LOL as long as we also GOWD (Get Our Work Done – I made that one up).
Anyway, I hope next week’s assignments are a little more thought out and include fewer genitalia. Until next week!
Yours in Education,
Glen
***
From: Prof. Glen Hancock
To: Class1
September 15, 2014.
Ho, ho, methinks you took my last communication as an excuse to really bring it, as they say. Maybe you thought I was joking. Unfortunately, you shut down the server for a few hours with your submissions. The university sure was surprised about that! They sure had some uncomfortable questions for me! But I managed to convince them that it was all a class experiment in the relationship between media and sexuality and, somehow, European Lit, and they are off my back for now. But come on, people – this is supposed to be a class. This is your education, your future! And, might I add, this is my marriage! The spousal unit has been a bit miffed by all of the pornographic traffic, and she suspects me of having an affair. Although, and I explained this to her without success, if I am having an affair it is with a woman who has about fifty different vaginas! Laugh out loud!
That’s another thing: apparently many of you are bothered by my use of the common and very acceptable acronym LOL. But, is it the frequency of use, or the fact that I use it at all? I was led to understand that LOL is a socially-accepted expression by people of your age. However, in the spirit of compromise, I will endeavor to stop using LOL in my e-mails and instead, spell the words out. I’m nothing if not flexible (That’s what she said. See? I can be risqué). Laugh out loud!
One final reminder: you will be receiving a grade for this class! That means you will need to submit actual assignments that relate to the class subject matter and that I can grade. I cannot give anyone a passing grade for only submitting jokes and porno. That is for another class (one I would like to teach!). So please, please, someone turn in a proper homework assignment! You’re making my life difficult!
Your professor,
Glen Hancock
***
From: Prof. Glen Hancock
To: Class1
September 22, 2014.
Well, I have to say, as a class, you leave much to be desired. No one – and I mean no one – seems to be taking this class seriously! Not only are you making it difficult for me to teach, but you seem to be deliberately trying to ruin me.
My wife has left me, as I know some of you are aware. She took off and is apparently bouncing around between the dorm rooms of several of you penis-posters. As I told you before, she was suspicious that I was having an affair. Well, as the photos kept coming, she decided in the spirit of revenge to have relations with some of the male genitals she saw on my laptop. Or maybe all of them, I don’t know. Anyway, please believe me – this type of activity will not help your grade!
And on the subject of grades, the bursar has recently advised me that all but three of you have dropped this class. That being the case, why are so many of you still e-mailing me hermaphrodite jokes and pictures of your private parts? Is this a game to you? Believe me, it doesn’t feel like a game to me! It feels very serious to me! I am not laughing out loud. I would end this paragraph with one of those frowny-face icons, but I don’t know how to make them.
To those three final students: I do not see any conceivable path for you to receive a passing grade for this class. You have not submitted any valid homework, and your selfies were blurry. Please respond to me why you feel you should pass this class.
Yours,
G. Hancock
***
From: Prof. Glen Hancock
To: Class1
September 29, 2014.
Okay, I’ve got to give you credit for that one! I sure didn’t see that coming. But, well, ask a stupid question, and all that. The envelope of the photographs of my wife, along with the threat to deliver them to the university chancellor’s office as well as the local paper, was a very strategic move. Here’s to your ingenuity! Implying that they would also be posted all over the Internet was overkill and unnecessary.
All three of you will receive an “A” for the class.
———–
Mark Jabaut is a playwright, author and serial plagiarist who lives in the Rochester area with his wife Nancy, a dog named Max, another dog named Max, and occasionally a son or two (also named Max). Mark’s play IN THE TERRITORIES premiered in May 2014 at The Sea Change Theatre in Beverly, MA. He has also been published in The Ozone Park Journal, Spank the Carp, and POST, a Rochester magazine.
Mark is not, contrary to published accounts, the alter-ego of Hollywood star James Franco. Although he would like to be.