“Bible Tales for Your Little Ones,” by Katie Burgess

Feb 11th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose


In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. And I know Grandpa is always saying how it’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, but keep in mind that Grandpa’s mind isn’t what it used to be, and we love your uncles Steve and Ronald very much. So Adam and Eve lived in a garden, and they could eat from any fruit tree they wanted except one, because it was evil. That’s right, you had fruit for your snack today—this wasn’t that kind of fruit. The fruit Mommy gives you isn’t evil. It has vitamin C. But one day they did eat the bad fruit, and it brought death into the world. Because Adam and Eve were naked. They were already naked, but they didn’t know it until they ate the fruit, and then they felt ashamed. Yes, sometimes you need to be naked, like at bath time. No, bath time will not bring death into the world. Look, don’t overthink it.


One day God saw that His people had become wicked, and He needed to destroy His creation with a flood and start over. Well, yes, even the kids were wicked. What did they do? I don’t know, maybe they didn’t put their toys away. No! Shh! Don’t cry! Mommy was making a joke. A joke that didn’t really land, I guess. Anyway, Noah’s family was still good, so God had them build an ark, which is a big boat, to live in during the flood. And they took a few of each kind of animal with them. See the pictures? Look at all the neat animals on the boat! And the other animals? Well, they would have drowned. Yes, I suppose that did include puppies and kitties. Why don’t we look at the next story?


Abraham had a son, Isaac, whom he loved very much. Then one day God told Abraham to tie Isaac up and sacrifice him. Sacrificing means giving something to God. By killing it. No, we don’t do that anymore. Now we give God cash. But hang on, because God stopped Abraham at the last minute and said it was only a test. And what He wanted instead was for Abraham to take a lamb and—give it a hug. And that’s what Abraham did. He hugged that little lamb, and they all went home. You know what I remember being a cool story? The one about Moses—where’s that one?


God had His Angel of Death slaughter all the Egyptians’ firstborn male children—okay, pass.


You’re killing me here, Bible.


Now this is what I’m talking about. Isn’t it pretty? Here are all the angels and barnyard animals and wise men bringing presents to the baby. Look how happy Mary is! They have to sleep outside, but that builds character. It’s a nice story. This seems like a great stopping place for tonight. You’re still not sleepy? Well—all right, we can keep going if you’re sure you want to.


The baby Jesus grew up and did a lot of good things, but this made some mean people angry, and they killed him. And that’s scary, but don’t worry, because three days later he came back to life, and now anyone who believes in him can go to Heaven! And if they don’t believe? Well, I mean—no, honey, the Feinbergs aren’t going to Hell. Because they aren’t. Let’s skip to the end.


This story is by a guy named John, and he had a vision, which is kind of like a dream, and in his vision he saw the Whore of Babylon riding a seven-headed beast. And a whore is a lady who—you know what? I’ve changed my mind—I don’t think you’re too young for Game of Thrones after all. We’ll just put this book away for now. Okay, so winter is coming…
Defenestration-Katie Burgess3Katie Burgess finally realized that her PhD in creative writing is not very practical, so she is taking improv classes as a plan B.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.