ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
On your last math test you answered several questions correctly but deliberately tried to erase your steps toward finding the answers. You are clearly a genius. So when I received your “Dogs are the Best” story I was excited to read it at lunch, while smoking in my car. I loved it. Admittedly, your poor grammar threw me, but like all geniuses and tortured artists who wear their hearts (and booger stains) on their sleeves, you were merely trying to push the boundaries of conventional writing. Frankly, I would not be surprised to hear that Michael Bay bought the movie rights to your story. Smiley face sticker!

HIGH SCHOOL
I’m impressed. Your ability to assemble some passable nonsense before the deadline is truly amazing! At first glance it doesn’t look like you put much time into this, but your elegant font choice totally makes up for your limited understanding of the essay topic. In addition, the margins are so large it looks as though you’ve written five pages, even though you’ve clearly only written four. I’ve always admired your “minimalist” approach. Good job!

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
Judging by your personal essay it’s clear to me that you have a chill personality and got all of the girls in high school. It’s also impressive that you have an A- average despite the rare disease that impedes you from thriving. And all of your volunteer work, which was obviously not just for magic shows, is truly remarkable!

COLLEGE
When I read the opening line of your paper on ‘Immigration Reform’ I noticed you had defined it as “a term used in political discussion regarding changes to current immigration policy of a country… see more.” I have to admit I was a little suspicious because, as you know, we take plagiarism very seriously at this school.

Why didn’t you tell me that you were an editor for Wikipedia sooner?! I would have gladly donated to the website if I had known that an absolute pimp/sex god like you was working there.

MOTHER
Call me crazy, and the mother of an absolute pimp/sex god, but this is seriously the best thing I’ve ever read – and not just because I say I love everything you do. I’m going to send this to all of my friends (because I know how to send an email without your help).

FATHER
I’m so glad you have a real job (not like a doctor or a lawyer).

MAJOR PUBLICATION
I woke up in the afternoon in my summer home in the Hamptons this morning and decided to check my emails. I had two. The first was an email welcoming me to my email service. The other was your “Dogs are the Best” submission. Yes, I did notice the grammatical flaw in that one sentence you were worried about (and had to show to all of your literate friends, who all said it looked just fine). But what the hell, we all make mistakes; my son, for instance, is a doctor.
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Matt Hanick is a rude dude with a bad attitude. His work has been featured on Defenestration, Thought Catalog, Funny or Die, and other journals. He has a quirky web presence and a blog that he uses to publicize his work. He is a part of the critically acclaimed (unsuccessful) comedy trio Reel Dudes