“A Guide To Note-Writing Etiquette,” by Brett Hudson

Aug 6th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To Your Parents

When you are ready to run away from home, grab a piece of paper from your father’s briefcase and some lipstick from your mother’s purse. If you knocked them out correctly, you should have no problem doing this. Take the lipstick and write on the piece of paper. Write a suicide note so your parents know not to look for you. Place the note in your father’s limp hands and take one last twenty from his wallet.

To The Men In Your Box Car

Introduce yourself and explain your situation. Ask that they not turn you in for a reward or kill your pet ferret for food. Or if they do, to save you some. Tell them to wake you after 200 miles. Place the note on the drunkest man’s forehead.

To The Family Whose House You Live Underneath

Request that they bag food items separately in the trash to make it easier for you to sift through. Suggest they buy Nutter Butters, for the kids. Place the notes in their mailbox. When the family comes down to find you, kill them all and eat the rest of their food.

To The Woman Whom You Will Make Your Wife

When you see the woman with whom you wish to mate, follow her home so you have an address for your note. In it, explain why you are a perfect match for her and how much fun your pet ferret would have playing in the tub with the two of you. Place the note in her underwear drawer when she leaves for work.

To Your Future Wife’s Husband

Tell him she only married him for money and never really loved him. Critique his lovemaking and give him pointers on picking out new blinds. Tell him you will meet him for a duel tomorrow at high noon behind the Piggly Wiggly. Place the note on a baseball bat and hit him in the face.

To Your Hostage

Explain to your future wife that everything will be alright as long as she takes this gun and provides covering fire while you—

To The Police

Dip your finger into your bullet wounds and use the blood to write your insanity plea. Try to be as convincing as possible. Mention your difficult home life and time spent in a box car.

To Your Dying Pet Ferret

Thank him for the good times, the fun times, for those cold nights made so warm. Apologize for selling his urine to junkies when money was tight. When he reads it, he’ll forgive you. If his eyes are still working.

To Your Ex-Future-Wife

Before you bleed out, tell her she’s an ugly, two-timing hag and that you are taking your flowers back. Include a side note stating that you no longer wish to marry her.

To Satan

Use your chains and the horns you’ve grown to carve into the walls and stalactites surrounding you. Pitch your earthly devotion to him as reason for your getting a bigger room, or at least to get your eyes back so you can see how big your room is.
Defenestration-Generic Male 01Brett Hudson is a recent graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design and already has his life totally figured out. That being said, he is willing to take work as a storyboard artist, studio assistant, or trial husband. He hasn’t been published anywhere (probably for good reason), but he did tame a stray cat once, so that’s pretty cool. His twitter handle is @brettsellshomes.


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