“City of Springfield Recycling – RE: Updated Policy,” by Cameron Filas

Jul 23rd, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To the wonderful (if not environmentally conscious) residents of Springfield,

You are receiving this email, or letter for those of you who have selfishly failed to switch to e-notices, because the recycling policy regarding what we DO and DO NOT accept has been modified. This policy change is in effect as of the moment you are reading this notice.

Firstly, we are no longer accepting cardboard boxes, particularly cereal boxes, which have not been cut into pieces smaller than 6” by 6” or ground into pulp before recycling. While we understand that this is not convenient, the recycling plant has developed a rat problem in which cereal and other boxes are being used as housing. It is also vital that all food be removed from items being recycled; we’re talking to you 622 Chestnut Ave, as this is likely the source of nourishment for the rat population.

Secondly, the rats have interfered with our recycling operations so collections will occur only semi-weekly until the plant has been deemed pest free. Unfortunately, the local Rat-Breeding Cub (you know who you are), has convinced the city council to forbid us from using any form of pesticide to deal with the problem. Rat traps are currently on backorder at the hardware store. For those interested, please donate your unused rat-traps in a cardboard box to be placed on top of your recycling can, semi-weekly.*

Thirdly, plastic bags such as those found at the grocer, which are usually banned (as they clog our sorting machines), have been temporarily approved for recycling donation in hopes that the rats will self-asphyxiate. While we realize this is unlikely we still need the bags regardless, as Mark in human resources has run out of doggie-poop bags for his massive Great Dane. This policy change is only expected to be temporary until the rats have self-asphyxiated or Mark has a surplus of poop bags.

Fourthly, aluminum cans and glass bottles brought to the plant for cash redemption will no longer be rewarded with cash. We have found that many of you immediately take this cash straight to the liquor store and proceed to drink irresponsibly. To combat this city’s rampant alcoholism rates we have decided that any amounts earned through can or bottle redemption may only be donated to a charity or local club of your choice. Currently our local clubs consist of the Springfield Chess Team (which has been third place twice now in state championships!) and the Rat-Breeding Club (which a petition for disbandment has been created and is being included in next month’s newsletter for signatures).**

Lastly, for those of you who applied for summer internship positions at the recycling plant, we regret to inform you that Mark, in human resources, has been unable to see to your applications as he has been spending far too much time with his new enormous Great Dane. Please apply again next year when he will have likely grown tired of picking up its poop and sent it to live with his mother.

Thank you for your understanding and patience with our revised policy while we deal with Mark, the local drunks, and the rats.

Most sincerely,
The City of Springfield Recycling Team

*Rat traps donated in cardboard boxes are most appreciated, however the boxes used to donate traps in will be left empty on your doorstep. We neither have the time nor patience to cut up these boxes into 6” by 6” pieces but cannot accept them otherwise. Please do not let this deter you from donating your rat traps.

**Members of the Rat-Breeding Club are advised to disband of their own free will before this petition is circulated next month and no-doubt signed, most certainly by everyone here at the recycling plant. Should you choose to do the right thing and end your ridiculous club and notify us of this action before the end of this month, we will redact the petition from next month’s newsletter. However, we require that you all sign a letter of apology to the residents of Springfield and the recycling plant for your club having ever existed. Please forward your reply to Mark in human resources.
Defenestration-Cameron FilasCameron Filas is an avid reader and novice author of short fiction and other various work. Though he has enjoyed writing from a very young age, he has only recently begun a serious pursuit of the craft. He currently attends Arizona State University in pursuit of a Bachelors of Arts in Education (Secondary Ed, History). Cameron lives in Mesa, Arizona, with his girlfriend, a dog, and a demon cat who he is pretty sure is plotting to kill him.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.