“Signing Up,” by Tim Covell

May 28th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Please enter your email address.

Your email address will be your user name on this site, unless your email address includes the words CompuServe, hotstuff, or elephant. In that case, your user name will be your email address prefixed by “CaseSensiTive.” Note that this is not case sensitive.

Please create a password. Follow these simple rules to ensure your password is secure.

The password must be at least eight characters, but not more than twenty-three. At least 50% of the characters need to be letters, but if any letters are duplicates, letters must make up 60% of the password. No number can be used more than once, and no letter can be used more than twice consecutively and four times in total, unless the password is twenty characters, in which case no letters from N to Z can be used three times in total.

Letters must be 50% lower case and 50% upper case, if the number of letters is even. If the number of letters is odd, then the number of lower case letters must be one greater than the number of upper case letters, if the total of the numbers (of the numbers, not the letters) is greater than 42. Otherwise, the reverse is true.

The password must contain one symbol from the following list:

05282014 - Tim Covell, Signing Up

The symbol cannot be the first or last character of the password, nor can it be in the same position as the square root of the first two numbers added (rounded to the nearest whole number).

Do not share your password with your lover(s), no matter how much they claim this is a trust issue. Remind them of that weekend in Paris. If they ask what you are talking about, just tell them you weren’t born yesterday.

Do not share your password with your co-worker(s), no matter how much they claim this is a teamwork issue. Remind them what happened to Patrick Swayze’s character in Ghost. If they cannot remember, just tell them you weren’t born yesterday.

You cannot use dictionary words in the password. As of September 1, 2013, selfie and twerk are no longer permitted. Passwords that contain these words will need to be changed by June 17, 2014. *

Please supply answers to the following Password Reset Questions:

1. Where were you born? If you cannot remember or spell the town where you were born, enter another town, such as Boston. If you later read a biography or arrest warrant that claims you are from Boston, your account has been compromised. Change your password immediately, unless you are from Boston, in which case you should change your password anyway, but you have up to 43 hours.

2. What is your Mother’s maiden name? If immigration officials changed her name from Smyth to Smith, use whichever appeared on the wedding invitations. If your family is non-traditional, use any name you like and will remember. For example, if your favourite stripper is Candy, you could ask her to suggest a name.

3. What is the name of your favorite pet? This may be a tough one. How does one choose? Consider not just how long they lived, but whether they were really your pet, your parent’s pet, or your spouse’s pet. If you have never had pets, you could enter a fictional pet name such as Garfield, the name of your favourite zoo animal, or your favourite celebrity’s pet. Ask Candy if she has a pet. Just don’t enter Snoopy. We get about seven calls a day from people, mostly in Boston, who had their account compromised after using Snoopy as the name of their favorite pet. If you must use Snoopy, do not share that with Candy, no matter how much she claims it is a trust issue. Tell her you weren’t born yesterday.

*The IT staff who developed this secure password algorithm are well aware that selfie and twerk have not been added to the Oxford English Dictionary, just the Oxford Dictionaries online. Irregardless, they cannot be used. Please do not contact our helpdesk regarding this, or the use of irregardless. The IT manager has the final say on these matters.**

**Apart from the grammatical items noted, our helpdesk is here to help. If you need any assistance creating an account, just sign up and click HELP!
Defenestration-Tim CovellTim Covell lives by the sea, is very old but has often been called immature, and is celebrating thirty years of being a university student. He writes humor, romance (which is often funny), and computer software tip sheets (rarely funny). More at www.covell.ca

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