“HELP,” by Andrew J. Hogan

Jul 3rd, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

You have reached the product help line of the Excellent Egress Corporation. Please select the product for which you require assistance:

  • The Albert Pierrepoint Hangman’s Caboodle, complete with a 13 foot length of 3/4″ diameter Vintage Italian silk hemp rope, bound with Chamois leather to avoid chafing the skin.
  • The Ernest Hemingway Monte Carlo B Shotgun with Two Wide Pattern #2 Buckshot 3-Inch Magnum Shells with Splatter and Debris Collector.
  • The Joan of Arc Heavenly Vapors Home Self-Immolation Kit with Juniper Body Rack.
  • The Lucretia Borgia All-Natural Organic Poison and Venom Potpourri with Three Delivery System Modalities.

*          *          *

Congratulations for choosing the Heavenly Vapors Home Self-Immolation Kit (HVHSK), the most practical way to end your life through conflagration available to someone not a member of a South Asian suicide cult. The HVHSK’s unique formulation of heavy petroleum, gasoline and jet fuel not only burns more thoroughly, leaving 30% less unincinerated tissue than other products, but the HVHSK is more alacritous, causing death in an average of three and a half minutes, minimizing unfortunate rescue attempts and the pain and expense of prolonged burn unit stays. Your satisfaction is one hundred percent guaranteed, with a full return of the purchase price if self-immolation is unsuccessful due to a manufacturing defect in our product.

Please select the topic with which you need assistance:

  • Pre-Ignition Preparations
  • Ignition Procedures
  • Post-Ignition Tergiversation
  • Socio-Legal Encumbrances
  • Disclaimers

*          *          *

Ignition Procedures: After selecting a suitable self-immolation site, mix the fuel and the binding agent in a large pail. Complete incineration can best be achieved by wearing absorbent clothing on all parts of your body. Cover your head with several stocking masks or ski caps to completely incinerate the skull and brain. Wear heavy socks and/or woolen slippers on your feet. Light cloth gloves should be all that is needed for your hands, unless they are unusually meaty.

Once clothed in absorbent material, stand in the special immolation pan included with the kit and carefully wet all areas of the body, starting at the top and making sure there is at least one inch of liquid in the pan. Once completely saturated, ignite the Heavenly Vaporizing Lighter and drop it into the pan. Enjoy the rush of warmth that will quickly envelop you.

Do not attempt to ignite your clothing directly, particularly the upper body; this may lead to incomplete incineration if you lose consciousness and collapse before your lower extremities are ignited, leaving grisly remains for loved ones to clean-up. To prevent premature collapse, perhaps due to a pre-existing medical condition, the HVHSK includes a seasoned Juniper body rack, designed to fit inside the immolation pan and to keep you upright during initial combustion. There is a stainless steel version of the body rack, along with a deeper pan and larger fuel supply, for plus-size customers needing up to nine minutes achieve satisfactory incineration. For an additional fee, customers can purchase the Pyrenees Pine Pitch Impregnated full-length Labarca Organic Wool Priest’s Cassock, which accelerates incineration by thirty-seven percent and provides significant olfactory abatement—a plus in circumstances with odor-intolerant neighbors.

If the self-immolation procedure is performed correctly, all ashes and bone remnants should collect in the immolation pan for easy disposal into the convenient Human Remains Container, describing burial instructions in twenty-eight languages. Should your loved ones wish to keep you close by after your excellent egress, you can purchase from our web store one of our handcrafted urns in which to house your remains.

Has this information answered your question? If no, please return to the main menu for this product.

*          *          *

Pre-Ignition Preparations: Site selection is paramount when using your HVHSK. Self-immolation can be hazardous to pets, property and other persons if undertaken inside a flammable structure. The HVHSK will produce a satisfactory open-air immolation under most climatic conditions, including light to moderate precipitation and winds less than 20 miles per hour. Non-flammable structures, such as concrete parking garages, are suitable for individuals wishing to self-immolate during a thunderstorm. Your kit includes a seven meter (24 foot) tape that attaches to the top of the body rack to help you site your immolation a safe distance from flammable structures and vegetation. Flame-resistant, insulated, reflective tarps are available separately for condo or apartment dwellers with limited outdoor space or compulsive gardeners with overgrown backyards. For those choosing self-immolation in public parks or campgrounds, please use designated fire-rings to minimize the chance of wildfire and obey all fire restrictions.

For those desiring wet open-air self-immolation, such as in heavy rainfall, a swimming pool, river or lake, please exchange your current kit for the HVHSK-M, which contains heavier petroleum, a waterproof binding agent and three pounds of magnesium crystals. In the presence of water vapor released by burning flesh magnesium will produce an explosively hot flame, effectuating incineration even while submerged. Attempt wet self-immolation only in larger bodies of water, at least ten thousand gallons. Hot tubs are not suitable for wet self-immolation, as the superheated water may damage tub walls or plumbing fittings.

Has this information answered your question? If no, please return to the main menu for this product.

*          *          *

Disclaimers: The Heavenly Vapors Self-Immolation Kit is licensed by the EPA as a single use product. Because of the high temperatures attained by the HVHSK fuel, the collection pan may experience micro-fractures that could cause leakage upon re-use, leading to the loss of fuel needed for complete incineration and possible contamination of the surrounding soil, burdening loved ones with a potentially expensive toxic waste clean-up

The HVHSK is not recommended for the immolation of pets or wildlife. The fur, scales and feathers of most pets are not sufficiently absorbent to achieve complete incineration. Immolation of live animals is cruel and illegal, and veterinary euthanasia is readily available.

The Excellent Egress Corporation cannot guarantee that its self-immolation kit will obviate the need for cremation.  Many factors can affect the completeness of combustion. A combustion-friendly diet can be helpful — See “Healthy Diets for the Prospective Self-Immolator” by Fiamma Lancia, available directly from our website or Amazon.com

Has this information answered your question? If no, please return to the main menu for this product.

*          *          *

Post-Ignition Tergiversation: Emergency extinguishing devices for customers having second thoughts after beginning the immolation process are available, but our research shows these devices produce poor customer outcomes, usually crippling burns and lingering death. Instead we suggest you attend a Heavenly Vapors Warm Sendoff Seminar to assure that self-immolation is the best choice for your excellent egress. See our website for locations and dates.

Has this information answered your question? If no, please return to the main menu for this product.

*          *          *

Socio-Legal Encumbrances: Most organized religions are close-minded about self-immolation, and civil authorities frequently attempt to prevent or interrupt the self-immolation service. Unfortunately, most self-immolators find it necessary to perform a solitary service, away from family and friends. Our website offers a full range of audio tapes, CDs, DVDs, and digital downloads of musical accompaniments, readings of philosophical and religious texts, and images of religious and artistic symbols that enhance the self-immolation ceremony for some individuals. In our experience, most satisfied customers prefer a simple, no-nonsense ceremony in a familiar driveway, backyard or nearby parking lot.

Has this information answered your question? If no, please return to the main menu for this product.

*          *          *

You have exhausted all of the Help Line options for the Heavenly Vapors Self-Immolation Kit. Please call our help desk if you still need assistance at 1-808-EEC-HELP.


A very wonderful day to you, dear sir. How am I being able to be of assistance to yourself, sir?

It is being no trouble at all. It is only being perfectly natural to be dropping the lighter into the fuel before it is sparking, sir. You only would be too much surprised how often such happens to others in the very same situation as you are finding yourself in at the present time, sir. Once the lighter has gotten itself wet in the fuel, it is not wanting to make a nice spark.

Are you seeing a little pouch hanging on the side of the body rack, sir?

Yes, that is it. Now be holding one of the flints in each hand, along with the wet lighter. Now, be rubbing the two flints together, they should be sparking any instant now.

Ah, your hands are on fire. Good. Be dropping the lighter into the pan. Excellent.

Now, sir, sir? Are you there? Hello? Hello?


Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanAndrew Hogan received his doctorate in development studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Before retirement, he was a faculty member at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, the University of Michigan and Michigan State University, where he taught medical ethics, health policy and the social organization of medicine in the College of Human Medicine.

Dr. Hogan published more than five-dozen professional articles on health services research and health policy. He has published fifteen works of fiction in the OASIS Journal, Hobo Pancakes, Twisted Dreams, Long Story Short, The Blue Guitar Magazine, Fabula Argentea, The Lorelei Signal, and SANDSCRIPT.



Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.