“TGIF,” by Ryan Mulcahy

Apr 20th, 2013 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 9:03 a.m.
Subject: Looking forward to the weekend

One thing: do you think you could remember to flush the toilet from now on, after a shower? This isn’t the first time I’ve asked, as you know. It’s just unpleasant; you’re my wife.

Also, I feel like we have to have a longer conversation about Janet. Another weird exchange this morning.

Looking forward to the weekend!

Love,

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
To: Leo A. Davenport
Time: 11:01 a.m.
Subject: Re: Looking forward to the weekend

Ummmm: so because I’m your wife, I’m not supposed to shit? We’re not having another conversation about Janet. Janet is fine. The kids like her. Leo, we have a lot to accomplish this weekend. Let me know if you misplaced the list. I’ll attach/print another copy.

***

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 11:12 a.m.
Subject: Re: Looking forward to the weekend

No, I saw the list. I feel like we’re not talking about urgent issues, exactly. The storm door, for example. That’s actually an all-day affair. We’re already into March, at this point (as you know). Here is what I just put in my calendar for the Sat. after Labor Day: “don’t even think about flaking on the storm door.” Sound good?

Besides, the weekend is chance for us to be a family for 48 hours (less, when Rose stops in); my feeling is, let’s.

I’m not saying Janet’s an ax murderer, or that she’s mean to the kids (tho I’m not sure I agree that they “like” her; you should ask Jack about that). I’m saying some borderline-alarming things come out her mouth, if you really listen.

How is work?

Love,

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 11:14 a.m.
Subject: <no subject>

Finally used the gift card you gave me at Xmas. Screenplay software (!).

Not as random as it seems. I’ll tell you tonight.

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From Jane McIntyre-Davenport
To: Leo A. Davenport
Time: 2:49 p.m.
Subject: Re: Looking forward to the weekend

Leo, did you see the NStar bill? *I’ll* put the damn storm door in. Like *I* fixed the garage window and *I* painted the pantry and *I* dealt with the cats.

Leo, Rose is A. My closest cousin and B. Basically suicidal at this point. What is wrong with you?

***

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 3:02 p.m.
Subject: Re: Looking forward to the weekend

I feel bad for Rose, but she’s not suicidal. Besides, don’t you think most of her “issues” are self-inflicted? I don’t think she’s a good influence on the kids. (There, I said it.) Sunday I came down and she was literally pressing Anna’s ear to the Bose. The singer sounded like an Orc. Do you know what the song was called? CHRISTMAS CARD FROM A HOOKER IN MINNEAPOLIS. Rose knew every word. Like it was a hymn or something.

Anyhow, can we just steer clear of Rose as a subject? We love her, but she’s an unpleasant subject. I think even Rose would admit that (!). I kind of think Rose likes it that way, in fact.

Okay.

It’s Friday for God’s sake!

Were you still hitting the Target at lunch? We actually do need wine. And maybe some Knob Creek? Joe just texted. So he and Tina ARE going to come Sunday, is the new plan. There’s a place in the same mall, right?

And seriously, how is work?

Love,

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
To: Leo A. Davenport
Time: 3:12 p.m.
Subject: Hell. No.

Leo, Joe is not welcome in our house. Karen is one of my best friends. I cannot be a friend to her and at the same time welcome Joe into my house. And don’t get me started on “Tina.” You know not to. Leo, sometimes it’s as if you believe *I* don’t actually know who *I* am, that the essence of who *I* am, which hardened a long time ago (which, frankly, you weren’t around for) is something you (and I mean *you*, Leo) can adjust with a knob. I am sorry to inform you that is not the case. Besides, we are watching that movie Sunday night. I don’t care what is in that envelope. We are watching it.

***

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 3:26 p.m.
Subject: Re: Hell. No.

You know, Joe’s version of things is a lot different than Karen’s (which isn’t to say Karen is a liar). Joe’s not a saint, but this one of the things I’ve always liked about him: he doesn’t claim to be. You should at least skim it. Let me know and I’ll send you the link.

Regardless, seems like there’s no good reason to decide right now. If by say lunch tomorrow you’re still against it, then we’ll cancel. It’d be weird, but I’ll tell him Anna has a virus or something. Then we’d just have keep Anna inside. We can’t have her strolling by Joe’s house if she’s sick.

Hockey tomorrow a.m., btw.

Love,

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From: Leo A. Davenport
To: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
Time: 3:44 p.m.
Subject: <no subject>

So this isn’t a huge deal, but still. Another reason I ask you about your day at work, aside from genuine interest, which I think I’ve proven is genuine, is because I’d kind of appreciate it if you’d ask about mine.

I know you’ve got a million things on your mind. Believe me, I can empathize (!). But do we want to be companions, the way the Shaws are, or do we want to actually know each other? The answer is obvious.

Love,

Leo A. Davenport
Deputy Manager ➝ Group 31
Communications
Bourne & Peters

***

From: Jane McIntyre-Davenport
To: Leo A. Davenport
Time: 4:31 p.m.
Subject: Re: Hell. No.

Leo, if I told you that Joe once grabbed me, before Midnight Mass (!), would you then understand what a treacherous pig he is? Or would I have to add that I kind of got a charge out of it? Or would he have to come over and shit in your toilet?

I am attaching the list, Leo.

————

Defenestration-Generic Male 01Ryan Mulcahy lives in Quincy, Massachusetts, with his lovely wife (nothing like the character in this story!) and gifted children.

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