Hello, my name is Nick Hilbourn, a professional English major.

If you’re like me, then you see women every day.  Sometimes, twice a day.  If you’re a woman, then you should probably double that number.

Yet, I am still shocked by the amount of misinformation about women’s bodies.  I ignored this ignorance with a god-like patience until the last election, when the comments of some friends regarding the female body really threw me for a loop.

The worst part of it?

These friends were women.

According to a study I conducted in the food court of my local mall, women are fed false information about their bodies by people who know absolutely nothing about them.  This short informational essay is intended to dispel hurtful myths about those of the fairer sex.  If you hear any of your friends propagating these blatant falsitudes, then please hand them this immediately.

1. Women poop.

Ask yourself this question, “If women pooped, then how could they smell like rose petals and lavender?”  But let me take this further than a mere phenomenological analysis.  Contrary to the pop science of most so-called experts, women’s bodies do not need to poop.  Now I can hear someone trying to ask a question, but let me go ahead and beat them to the punch.  They’ll want to ask, “But aren’t women human?  Don’t all humans excrete waste matter?”  Well, this is just the kind of limited, inside-of-the-box vocabulary and thought that has landed the United States in the stinkhole on the world’s SAT charts.

Of course, women are human, but basic biological knowledge points to that fact that men excrete poop, while women excrete beauty.  Women’s intestinal tracts are actually shaped like a heart (look it up).  When their food reaches it, the inside of the heart kisses the food and it turns into beauty and nice lotiony smells.

Now on to the next myth…

2. Women fart.

Honest to God, I am not a violent person, but I will scissor kick the next person who suggests this.  It is an absolute fallacy.  Consider the scientific reasoning behind farting: a mechanism used by men to replace their inability to give birth.  Women make babies, men make farts.  Now, just like last week, a colleague told me that he felt his girlfriend fart on him while they were cuddled in bed.  He told me, “Nick, women fart!  Pure and simple.”

Wrong, Dad!

What he failed to realize was that he had actually imposed his own flatulent nature upon the woman.  Most men do this and think that women are farting.  They’re not.  They’re incapable of farting.  A man’s farts actually have the ability to leap from their anus and bounce off a woman’s nice, round bottom like a ping-pong ball giving the illusion that the woman is farting.

She’s not, but some women will do anything to make you believe that they are.

Onto the final myth…

3. Periods

This one is just gross.  A woman just starts bleeding out of her special parts (whatever those may be…no one knows for sure) once a month?  Randomly?  Are you serious?!

Come on.  Next, you’re going to tell me that the earth’s older than 6,000 years.

First, in order to bleed, you have to be cut or injured in some way.  For example, I am still down in the Guinness Book of World Records (appendix D) for the deepest unintentional paper cut (4 inches).  I bled, but only because I was trying to mail myself a cover I recorded of “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac (for copyright purposes).

I bled for my art, reader.  So, are you telling me that women are sealing envelopes with their vaginas?

I don’t think so.  (How would they lick the envelope?)

But (and here I’m anticipating your question again), why do women say they are having their “period”?

Well, women are just trying to get some time away so they can read more on their Kindle.

That’s right.  A lot of women are so busy doing things that they don’t have time to sit down and enjoy reading their Kindle.  When they say “period”, they (of course) mean their “[Kindle reading] period”.

It’s so obvious you’re kicking yourself, right?

Conclusion, we still have a lot of work to do because these three myths are just the tip of the iceberg.  There is still a lot of stuff we don’t know about women, but I’m working up to ten-thirty at night, every night, to figure these out.  For example, why do women sit down when they pee when standing up is much faster?  Why are women’s arm physiological incapable of opening doors for themselves?

I’ll keep plugging away, but in the meantime feel free to send me your questions and queries.  Let’s work together and one day we’ll finally be able to explain women to themselves.

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Nick Hilbourn has three wives and resides in an unknown corner of the Deep South.  He has read books about women.  He is in the process of establishing the University of College, a free online college that will feature video lectures about things and the things people think about things.