“The Lil’ Richy Einstein Play-a-Majig,” by Joy Lanzendorfer

Jan 23rd, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Just in time for [insert holiday here], it’s the Lil’ Richy Einstein Play-a-Majig! This ultimate 70-in-1 learning toy makes being a kid so fun, you’ll never have to buy another toy again. Highlights include:

Learn letters, numbers, self-esteem, animals, colors, music, healthy conflict resolution, and more with astonishing lessons that repeat until your child is engaged. Drown out TV and conversations with learning!* And with the adorable “shouting words” feature, children as young as 18 months can learn Spanish, French, and Mandarin, giving them job skills before they can even say your name. Early learning has been associated with Harvard admission rates** so get a head start with Play-a-Majig.

But don’t forget fun! With 5,048 songs, 1,802 sounds, and 577 complete games, Play-a-Majig offers hysterical nonstop entertainment. Games include: “Name that Siren,” “Maniacal Laughter Pete,” “Fart Fart Toot Toot Sound Game,” “Baby Mafia Wars.”

Experience the latest in Smell Technology. Now children can learn how farm animals sound and smell with Play-a-Majig’s earth-shattering Smell-‘N-Whiff technology. Bring the barnyard to life!

No time to take your child to the park? Shed baby fat with Play-a-Majig’s Baby Boot Camp gym features.*** Get ripped legs and stomach with “Little Teapot Squats” and “Row Row Row Your Abs” fitness songs. Childhood obesity solved!****

Play-a-Majig even helps with potty training. Just attach “Go-Go Potty” to Play-a-Majig and your child won’t be able to “wait” to try out the vibrating seat and encouraging flashing lights.***** Clean up is a snap with a helpful alarm that lets you to know when to replace the patented bowl or Go-Go Potty paper.******

Turn nap time into educational time with astounding Subliminal Learning, where gentle voices will whisper vocabulary words, shapes, or state capitals so your little one can learn while she dozes.******* Or sooth her to dreamland with endless sleepy-time versions of popular songs like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” or NWA’s “Thank tha Police” (clean version).

Hand crafted by Chinese artisans from partially recycled******** materials*********, now in smaller “fits in a corner” size.

Play-a-Majig comes in Princess pink and mustard, Big Boy blue and neon orange, and Gender Neutral gray.

Play-a-Majig: The Only Toy You’ll Ever Need**********

*Hearing damage may occur.
**May also need high GPA, SAT scores, extra circular activities, family name, and large sums of money.
***Play-a-Majig is not responsible for injuries.
****Results not typical.
*****May cause seizures.
******Not included.
*******Actual learning may be limited.
**********All parts sold separately.


Defenestration-Joy LazendorferJoy Lanzendorfer is a writer living near San Francisco. Her work has appeared in Hotel Amerika, Necessary Fiction, So To Speak, Superstition Review, Word Riot, Salon, The Writer, San Francisco Chronicle, and many others.

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