“Survey,” by Mora Torres

Oct 17th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Here at Poop Industries, we care deeply about your poopsperience© In our rally against constipation, we always give a shit. We are moved by your bowels. Please help us improve your poopsperience© by answering a few simply, easy to digest questions below.

In 140 characters or less, what does “regular” mean to you? ______________________________

In your opinion, which of the following options best describes what B.M. Stands for?
A. Bull Mastiff
B. Bowel Movement
C. Batman
D. Butt Muffin

How many times do you usually fart in a 24 hour period? 3   7   11   19   36   94   1,015

(Note: The average American farts 11 times a day, but you wouldn’t want to settle for average when you could be extraordinary, would you?)

When was your last bowel movement?___________________ (MM/DD/YYYY)

What country did your last BM most resemble?
A. Sweden                 E. Lesotho
B. Norway                  F. Russia
C. Finland                 G. Panama
D. Italy                        H. The United Kingdom

During this bowel movement, the sounds that escaped you are most like which cultural experience?
A. A Yiddish love song
B. A Korean cock fight
C. A Kenyan mugging
D. An Indian wedding

What biblical quote best describes your typical poopsperience©?
A. “My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Psalm 22:1
B. “Blood was everywhere in Egypt” Exodus 7:20
C. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13
D. “Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths” 2 Kings 2:24

Honestly, when is the last time you even ate corn? _____________(MM/DD/YYYY)

How is your fiber intake?
A. Constant
B. All encompassing
C. On my mind more than it is on the minds of even the most conscientious senior citizens

How interested are you in a rectal exam later?
A. Interested
B. Super Interested
C. My anal sphincter quivers in anticipation

I have a fever and the only cure is more __________.
A. Survey
B. Wholesome poopsperiences©

Remember: Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because it happened. To you. It can never be undone now. You’re welcome.

Mora is an alcoholic. She has been published in Fortunates, Emerge, and many bathroom stalls. She lives in Los Angeles with her sea monkeys and is trying to floss more.



Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.