“Important Questions Concerning God’s Omnipotence,” by Sam Weiner

Sep 12th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Could God make a rock so heavy He couldn’t lift it?

Does God ever get tired of people wondering whether or not He could make a rock like that? Does God ever say, “Let Me just make this heavy rock and then lift it so people finally shut up about it”?

How quickly could God sell out Madison Square Garden if He agreed to make and lift the rock in front of thousands of fans/gamblers? My friend’s band–they’re called Old Boner–could open for Him.

Most importantly, would God be willing to help me get back together with my ex-girlfriend, Amber, seeing as how I’m doing a lot of the rock-lifting legwork for Him?

When God tries to lift a tiny but very dense rock at MSG, will He listen to me when I tell Him He’s being a bonehead? He’s got to use a HUGE rock so people are more impressed! That’s Showmanship 101.

Can God help me speed up an application for–and what is?–a trademark? I’d like to file one for “The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt text LIFT to 90999 if you think God can lift that rock! Drink Pepsi!” Also, does anyone have Pepsi’s email address?

After God lifts the “supposedly unliftable” rock at MSG (or doesn’t lift it, either way is fine with me), will God introduce me to His backup dancers as, “My main man” or as “the real secret to My success?”

And how jealous will my ex-girlfriend Amber be of all the quality time I’m getting with God? Insanely jealous or extremely jealous but with just enough sanity left to say, “Sam, you were right to cancel my subscription to Marie Claire without asking me”?

And what happens to the rock itself after God lifts or doesn’t lift it? Would I be granted exclusive rights to chip off and sell pieces of the rock to sports collectors? Would God want a cut? That’d be pretty scummy; He doesn’t even need the money.

Will fame go to God’s head? Will He suddenly expect me to pick Him up from the airport or buy His cocaine for Him? If so, He’s going to learn quick–I’m His manager, not His errand boy. I’m like anybody else: I’m not going to do what God tells me to just because He says I should.

Can’t you just hear God going, “Sam, Sam, when is the next awesome feat of strength you’re going to organize for Me?” Give it a rest, Sir Holy! I’ve got my own stuff going on! For instance, I’ll need God’s help in a Cyrano de Bergerac-type scenario where He’s feeding me romantic lines to use on Amber after she agrees to meet up for coffee.

Is God going to be cool once Amber starts coming around again? Or is He going to be clingy, like I’m only supposed to hang out with Him? Or are God and Amber going to start getting close? Will she fall for his BS humble act and superpowers? Or… no… is God going to steal my ex-girlfriend? That would be low, God! That would be really low!

Will God text me to apologize for hooking up with Amber? If it really was just a momentary thing where emotions got the better of everyone, can I forgive God and Amber? Yes, because even though, to my knowledge, God has nothing to say on the forgiveness issue, I can be the bigger man (compared to God).

And who better to officiate at me and Amber’s wedding than the King of Prayers himself? (He’d also be my best man.) If He wants to make a joke about the ring I got her “being a rock anyone could lift” then that would be very rude but also kind of funny. I doubt God would think of something that good, though.

Lastly, does God exist? Because if not, getting back together with Amber is going to be a lot tougher.


Sam Weiner is a writer and performer in Los Angeles. His writing has appeared on Splitsider and McSweeney’s, he makes videos with Sad On Vacation, and sometimes he Twitters.

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