“Break-up E-mail from a Lawyer,” by Troy Rodrigues

Sep 19th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Jack Pennington-Fyfe

From:        jack@lawyers_r_us.com

Sent:         14th February 2011

To:             jill@brokenhearts.com

Subject:   Termination of Contract


As per our conversation, yesterday, 13th February 2011, I am sending this e-mail to provide guidance and clarification, as to the untenable state of our relationship. It was agreed in said conversation, that it was mutually beneficial for both parties; i.e. you (herein referred to as “Jill”) and I (herein referred to as “Jack”), to sever and thereby cease our current relationship, forthwith on the 14th February 2011.

Accordingly, this termination shall prohibit contact of any kind between both parties.

Specifically the definition of “contact” includes, but shall not be limited to the following:

       (a)    phone calls, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter; or any grapevine gossip; with particular attention to those “coincidental occurrences”, where, your friend Marie keeps bumping into me, to let me how many guys you’ve been shagging;

       (b)    breakfast, lunch, dinner and meals of any kind; with particular reference to any use of pepperoni pizza from Sal’s Trattoria, to get your way;

       (c)    walks in the park, city, or any place that has oxygen; and

       (d)   anything else that could be interpreted to be a “romantic gesture” as outlined in Appendix B, of the Original Terms of Our Relationship Contract.

However, as a special exclusion clause, it may be allowable, if there is a meeting of the minds, for either party; i.e. Jill and John, to engage in guilt-free and gratis, sex-with-the-ex relations. This again is on the proviso, that under no circumstances, any intimacy or meaningful communication be present, and should this be the case, then these relations shall come to an end, at the close of that business day.

I trust that this clarifies my position on this matter and I envisage that no further discussion is warranted. I thank you for your time and wish you all the best in your future endeavours.



Troy Rodrigues is an Australian writer of fiction, poetry, essays and travel. His most recent story, “Hollywood Fiction,” will be appearing in the humorous travel anthology, Leave the Lipstick, Take the Iguana, published in July 2012.

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