“Summer Dress Code Policy,” by Dan Schmecker

May 30th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

To All Employees in our Shelton office:

In recognition of the hard work and excellent business performance results of our Shelton employees, we are pleased to announce that our dress code for the summer will be casual attire from Monday, July 2nd through Friday, August 31st.

Acceptable Casual Attire includes:
– Blue jeans or jeans of any modest color (not green). No ripped, torn or bedazzled denim please. Jean shorts are acceptable only with a doctor’s note. Acid-washed denim must be of Bon Jovi quality or higher.
– All polo shirts. As outlined in our corporate mission statement, polo shirts are the highest exemplar of the business casual ideal. Through polo shirts, all things are permitted and all transgressions are made right.
– Plain t-shirts or sweatshirts (no advertisements, slogans or inappropriate sexual innuendo). Hooded sweatshirts must be worn inside-out with the hood pinned down by no less than seven pins.
– T-shirts or sweatshirts bearing our corporate logo. You may not cross-out our logo or modify it into a visual pun (scatological or otherwise)
– Sneakers, boots, sandals or business-appropriate skates (roller or ice). Velcro sneakers are frowned upon. They project weakness.
– All business-casual capes (no faux-superhero designs or obvious tablecloths masquerading as capes)
– Costumes of a tasteful nature (only 6 weeks before and after Halloween). Assuming identities or attributes other than your own is strictly forbidden. Occult-themed costumes are not permissible unless you’ve become the victim of a curse. In such cases, please submit a proof-of-curse form to Human Resources.
– Artificial hair such as powdered wigs, merkins, fake beards or weaves are allowable provided that you distribute a written notice to all hair and peanut allergy sufferers within 200 feet of your cubicle.

Unacceptable Casual Attire includes:
– Sweatsuits, sweat pants or anything with “sweat’ in the title (“sweet pants” are acceptable)
– Hats or caps (except on Cowboy Hat Tuesdays)
– Clothing made with politically-incorrect fabrics such as fur, dolphinskin or hitlercloth
– Edible clothing (edible capes are permitted)
– Birthday Suits
– Footware that could be considered sarcastic, sassy or presumptuous. This especially applies on Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day. For more clarification, please refer to our Children’s Grooming and Style Guide.
– Bear suits, donkey suits or any form of animal mimicry (unless they are being used for team-building exercises or for getting in touch with your Project Management Spirit Guide)
– Pants or shirts fashioned from crude yarn, cardboard or bird’s nests (unless your Project Management Spirit Guide is a falcon, raven or condor)
– T-shirts or sweatshirts bearing logos of organizations opposed to our corporate vision. These include but are not limited to: Greenpeace, Amnesty International, The Beatles, The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Major League Baseball.
– Unprofessional hairstyles or facial hair such as perms, beehive hairdos, mohawks, handlebar mustaches or muttonchops. A perm/muttonchops combination may be grounds to be placed on corrective action. A perm/muttonchops/handlebar mustache combination may be grounds for summary execution.

Thank you for your compliance.

— The Shelton Management Team


Dan Schmecker is from Connecticut, which is known as the Nutmeg State. He aspires to one day move to the Cinnamon State or, if he plays his cards right, the Coriander State. He loves writing about himself in the third person, finding it quite liberating and not crazy in any way.

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