“TRASH,” by Patrick Dunn

Apr 18th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose


Hollywood & Highland Center Mall, Hollywood, CA 90028 | 323-999-FAME | www.trash.edu.net


Dear New Student,

Please allow me to once again congratulate and welcome you to the Television Reality-Acting School of Hollywood. The applicant pool for the Fall 2012 semester was our largest yet. You, along with your future cohort, represent the most competitive applicants of a highly qualified and ambitious group. We at TRASH look forward to fostering the development and exploitation of your incredibly marketable skills and assets.

Below, you will find a list of course names and descriptions typically available to all first-year students. More information on registration will be mailed as the semester approaches, accompanied by a letter from your faculty advisor who will hold your hand through the entire process. I mean that literally. Touching is always encouraged.

Carson Daly
Dean of Students and Bunim/Murray Productions Distinguished Professor


FME 1001 Introduction to the Spotlight (Required for all first-year students)
Instructor: Ryan Seacrest
Hey class! We’re going to talk about all the great things that come with the limelight. From red carpet walking to picking the best paparazzi hangouts, this class will get you ready for whatever it is that you want to be famous for. We’ll sharpen your late-night party skills and pre-noon radio call-ins, with an opportunity for the best students to be interviewed on my radio show. I’ll also share insider American Idol secrets because, well, I’m a nice guy. See you in the fall!
Your buddy, Ryan

FME 1030 Social Media Management for the Potentially Famous
Instructor: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
@snookisclass OMG ppl, yr tweets r gonna b soooo legit. LOL Have a gr8 summer! Oh yea, dont 4get to #FF @snookisfetus

FME 2020 Finding Fame Outside Entertainment (First, Then Becoming Entertainment)
Instructor: Levi Johnston
Hey everyone, I’m pretty excited to be teaching this class. It’s about how to go from infamous to famous. (Like that line? I heard some news guy say it about me.) I rode the knocking-up-Palin’s-daughter wave for a few years, so we’re gonna talk about what I can do next. Come prepared with ideas. Required reading will include my book Deer in the Headlights and my Playgirl spread. We’ll also watch my favorite YouTube videos of people yelling random things at Presidential debates, running naked across football fields, auto-tuning their crazy uncle’s snoring patterns, and anything with “Shit ___ Say” in the title.

FME 2030 Family Fame Management
Instructor: Kris Jenner
This course will focus on the unique challenges of the famous family. We’ll look at how sibling rivalry, alcohol, and cameras in the home can overcome the need to have the same name as your famous kids. I mean, I’m their Momager, right? It’s all about the brand, so maybe I should change it back to…. Whatever, we will also be examining new opportunities for product placement. This course compliments SXY 2810, taught by my favorite daughter, Kim.
Note: Students taking Family Fame Management will also be required to attend the guest-lecture series Full-Time Management for Half-Pint Clients, given by various mothers from the current season of Toddlers in Tiaras.

SXY 2810 Sex Tape Video Production: Your Assets’ Best Angles
Instructor: Kim Kardashian
We are like, literally going to have the best time ever, you guys! I just, like, got married and divorced and now that things are calming down there totally might be like another sex tape about to be leaked by like, an anonymous person!!! So this class will be like, so great, because I can show you how to make money and boost your career literally by example literally!!!!!
Note: This course will be conducted via Skype.

SXY 2820: Finding Love Among the Money

Instructor: Bethenny Frankel
Who says you can’t have it all? Not me! I’ve found love and marriage multiple times, all while building my media empire wealth status thingy. We will be visited by various cast-mates of mine from Bravo’s Real Housewives series (if I’m still talking to them), and learn how to navigate the hot waters of wealthy love. No interest in settling down? Many of the techniques we will cover can also be applied to finding an appropriate sugar daddy to help defray the cost of TRASH tuition. Kisses! ;)

FME 3020 The Business of Skill
Instructors: Guy Fieri and Tyra Banks
Are you already a successful chef? Have a modeling portfolio? Recent MBA grad? Played 1-3 seasons of a professional sport? Any marketable skill at all? Seriously, just about any real-world talent can be parlayed into a TV career. It may not be as glamorous to use a pre-existing skill to build your career, but we can’t all get our money for nothing. This team-taught class will give you the tools you need to prepare a successful back-up plan. Sometimes the road to fame is through the backdoor, as they say.

WRK 9910 Independent Study in Working for a Living
Instructor TBA
Departmental approval required and unlikely.


The following courses may be taken for credit through our partnership with the Writing Reality-Acting School of Hollywood (WRASH):

WRT 1710: Reporting on Reality
Instructor: Perez Hilton
I’m going to teach you how to squeeze the juiciest celeb gossip out of Hollywood. We’ll cover trolling the internet to find half-relevant news and photos, blog promotion and monetization, maintaining paparazzi relations, and being completely fabulous. We’ll also focus on writing the Three S’s: Short, Snarky, and Searchable.

WRT 2710: Scripting the Unscripted
Instructor: TBA
Designed to cover the unique challenges of the reality writer; topics in this workshop include helping your characters find their voice, conflict escalation, catch-phrase creation, drunk dialogue, and more. The semester culminates with a philosophical discussion about whether or not a writer exists if they are not credited or eligible to receive major awards for their work.


Important Message from the TRASH Office of Financial Aid
Funding your education is an investment in your future. The TRASH Office of Financial Aid understands that decisions regarding this investment can be difficult. The first step for all financial aid applicants is to fill out FAFSDM forms and return them to our office as soon as possible. (Note: Finding A Future Sugar Daddy or Momma forms are not the same as FAFSA forms for federal financial aid. FAFSA is for officially accredited educational institutions only. TRASH has opted not to participate in such bureaucracy.)


Patrick Dunn is a writer and musician living in New York, where he is currently trying to accumulate enough credits and thesis pages to graduate from the MFA program at Stony Brook Southampton. When he was a kid, people thought it was funny to add “nearly,” “almost,” or “are you” to his name.

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