“Semi-Hostile Thank You Notes for Every Occasion,” by Karen Gilmore

Apr 4th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Thank You in Response to Condolences Offered

Dear Purveyor of Condolences,

Thank you for your gesture of condolence. I’m sure your heart was in the right place and if you think you did enough, I guess that’s all that matters.

Thanks again,



Thank You for Baby Shower Gift

Dear Gift Giver,

Thank you for your baby shower gift. It will certainly be nice to have something cute for our little one on occasions when flammability isn’t a concern.




Thank You for Snow Removal

Dear Neighbour,

Thank you for removing the snow from our driveway the other day. My mother almost broke her hip after slipping on an icy patch that hadn’t been properly salted, but we nevertheless appreciate the thoughtful gesture.


Neighbour Without a Snow-Blower


Dinner Party Thank You Note

Dear Host,

Thank you for dinner on Friday. We had a nice time, so please don’t worry that the chicken was dry and the piecrust had obviously been over-handled.




Wedding Present Thank You Card

Dear Present Presenter,

Thank you for the wedding present. How creative of you to select something yourself when we had such an extensive registry from which to choose!




Job Interview Thank You Note

Dear Job Interviewer,

I wanted to thank you for meeting with me the other day. Even though, based on some of the questions you asked, it doesn’t seem like you really know what you’re looking for in a candidate, I wish you the best of luck with the process and hope to hear from you soon.


Job Seeker


Thank You Note Response

Dear Thanker #1,

Thank you for your thank you note.

—Thanker #2

P.S. Did you know that there are many resources on the Internet these days to help one craft an appropriate thank you note?


Karen Gilmore has published humor pieces in The Globe and Mail and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Her dream is that, one day, a wealthy publishing magnate will offer her squillions of dollars to write nonsense all day long while being fed peeled grapes by Jake Gyllenhaal.


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