“Winning with Snotte ™,” by Mike Fowler

Mar 28th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

In the award-winning tradition of million-selling author Frank T. Snotte’s self-help guides, Winning with Snotte ™, Dr. Snotte and his team of in-demand motivational authors are proud to add five new titles to the Snotte catalogue, beginning with “Hum and Shrug for Success.” Our interviews with 150 fascinating people who have become successful and important since last Thursday reveal one outstanding trait they have in common: They didn’t just stand around waiting for success to strike, they hummed. Some of them, not content with just humming, also shrugged their shoulders. In our just-released “Hum and Shrug for Success,” we show you what songs to hum during that all-important interview or conference call, and when to shrug fatalistically when you finally meet the individual who can open the door for you. Picture it: You are called in to meet Mr. Tray-Long Enchilada, who is impressed by the way you shrugged on the elevator or at the office lunch when he told you an important position in the company was opening up, and now he’s waiting to hear what tunes you will hum during a private tete-a-tete with him. Will you choose heavy metal or folk? Jazz or classical? Don’t disappoint The Man, get this essential and easy-to-follow volume today.

For those who can already hum, but have the common problem of becoming tongue-tied and even frozen with fear before crowds, we say: don’t prolong your suffering another minute. Achieve ease in front of any group large or small with Snotte’s “Conquer Stage Fright and Fear of Public Speaking Through Indecent Exposure,” a tried and true manual from our universally-applauded series Winning with Snotte ™.” Once you’ve mastered the sequence of mental attitudes leading to indecent exposure: 1. I am physically normal, 2. I have other attributes as important as physical ones, and 3. I can do this without getting arrested, you will take to the stage with alacrity and without fear of ridicule to make an indelible impression on any audience, anywhere. With chapters on “Touching Yourself in Stores,” “Unzipping on the Elevator,” and “Going Hi-Ho-Whoop-De-Doo in the Park,” you will profit immediately. By the time you get to chapter six, “Owning your Urination Time,” you will unlock the secret of productive thought during public urination. Many of our advanced students have patented inventions and devised successful marketing strategies for new products while exposing themselves and urinating. Join them today. Order now and receive free our popular companion manual, “Learn a Foreign Language while Masturbating.”

You asked us: how can I turn my time spent peeping through windows into other people’s bedrooms into cold, hard cash? Many of you also demand to know: I spend huge amounts of time swearing until I’m blue in the face—how can I capitalize on that? We at Snotte ™ have listened, and now we have responded. Many of our best and most loyal customers are Peeping Toms and Thomasinas, and they want to develop their cash potential while on the midnight creep. Learn how to increase your net worth exponentially with “Peep and Earn,” that explains in depth the art of realizing your earning potential while standing at night on somebody else’s lawn and having a good look inside. Sound too good to be true? See why it isn’t. Act now and we’ll mail you free: “Earning College Credits for Dropping the F-Bomb.” In this handy and easy-to-digest volume, you’ll see how to complete your college program and even earn your master’s while swearing a blue streak,  without ever allowing reading and studying to clog your busy schedule. Our advanced students earn a credit hour for each f-bomb, and advanced standing for each s-word. How many f-bombs add up to a Master’s degree? How can you turn even the c-word into a tuition break? Read this groundbreaking volume and find out.

Ever felt yourself to be outsmarted, behind the curve, or simply out of touch and obsolete? Sure, we have all at times seemed to ourselves and others to be Neanderthals bearing sticks in a group of heavily armed rocket scientists.

At Snotte™ we have the answer. Our “Head-Fake Your Way to a Higher IQ” is an advanced guide that shows you that by spending only ten to fifteen minutes a day pointing your head in one direction and then another, as if trying to slip punches in a boxing ring, can boost your computational and imaginative powers. Picture this: The Big Boss has called an emergency meeting and requested Big Ideas for the coming year. While your coworkers look about the room helplessly, you seize the moment by bobbling your head left, then right, and presto! you shake out a genius-level idea. Your grateful and outperformed coworkers applaud the huge bonus you receive, despite their bitter envy. Act today and receive for free our informative companion volume, “Control your Creative Imagination by Tightening and Relaxing Your Asscheeks.”

And now what if, in addition to being slow on the uptake on a daily basis, you’re also an older worker who can’t afford to retire due to the absence of any benefits package and an already depleted 401 (K), who finds herself still clocking in at age 75 or pretty well into the early stages of senility? Where do you turn then?

At Snotte ™ we pay attention to the needs of our faithful consumers who have read us for decades and may have lost marketable skills due to the irreversible effects of aging, for all our helpful advice. And so in addition to “ to Head-Fake Your Way to a Higher IQ,” we also offer “Dog ‘Em Right Back,” a breakthrough in psych-outs especially for those elderly workers persecuted by younger, apparently more productive coworkers. This confidence-boosting guide will leave you in a position to always have the last word when the office put-down king or queen thinks they’ve laid you out with a well-chosen phrase. Has the office bully or your pea-brained boss announced in front of the entire team that you’re a retrograde old has-been? Learn the secrets of coming right back with, “Oh, go comb your teeth, Marie” (pgs. 26-34). Has the clown at the water cooler told you to your face that you’re senile and productive as a plant? Understand the methods of retaliating in a heartbeat with “Oh, go de-louse your grandfather, Leonard” (pg. 178-196). Before you know it, you’ll be a fast hand at repartee, able to formulate and retort, “Cindy, your boyfriend phoned to ask if you’ll eat human flesh with him again tonight” (pgs. 105-109) in the near blink of an eye.

This just out: we will soon issue the above two volumes, “Head-Fake Your Way to a Higher IQ” and “Dog ‘Em Right back,” in capsule form.* And we don’t mean Reader’s Digest form, we mean pill form. These capsules are especially tailored for those Snotte ™ readers who have increased reading difficulties due to cataracts and retention problems. What’s even better, they may be taken in conjunction with reading our entire self-improvement series, now available in LARGE PRINT for those still able to see and reason. Preorder these fine supplements today and receive for shipping and handling costs only our best-selling guide, “Get Elected to Public Office While on Disability,” in EXTRA-LARGE PRINT.

*Before taking our medication, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for success.


Mike Fowler has been in Defenestration so many times he practically owns stock in the magazine. And by stock, of course, we mean delicious waffles. He’s all about self-promotion these days, so go buy his book.




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