Mar 20th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

All of us wish to, in some way shape, or form, differentiate ourselves from the other common rabble out there. We develop our own unique style, from the clothes we wear, to the unnecessary tattoos of Looney Tune characters or car company decals that are strategically placed in inappropriate areas. We spent so much of our educational career trying to conform to social norms that anything and everything we do to help us establish ourselves as adults is seen as a good thing. We revert back to that sense of self-worth our parents tried to instill in us before we were broken down by the mob mentality of the schoolyard, where their advice of “Just Be Yourself” was met with a sucking of teeth and a rolling of eyes. As it turns out, they were right, there is nothing better than being yourself, it weeds out the fake people in your life and ensures you’ve only surrounded yourself with people who, for the most part, aren’t complete dickbags. So as much as we attempt to carve out our own little niche, our own identity….some people need to just give it up as their attempts come off as forced and mildly retarded, not because they chose a style that appears to have been inspired by Bjork’s past red carpet faux-pas, but because they choose to make this declaration of self on a license plate.

Since apparently the DMV is more concerned with holding meetings to discuss the merits as to why an out of the way road, used by paperboys and the Amish needs to be widened, but a major route that turns into a parking lot from 3pm to 8pm is fine as is and not regulate the average driver’s stupidity, it falls to a worldly scholar such as myself to lay out the ground work.

  1. “No plate is to show your affection for any sort of sports team, band, song, movie, or any other item taken from pop-culture.” — This isn’t because I don’t care (which I don’t), but trying to shrink their legacy to 8 characters is just flat out insulting to them. “Stairway to Heaven,” is considered by many to be one of the greatest rock songs ever created. Knowing that, why would you piss all over it with “STRWY2HV?” Do you honestly think Jimmy Page is going to be behind you in traffic, see that plate and go, “You know, we’ve been honored by various magazines, other rock bands, and even won numerous awards, but all of those fail in comparison to that.”

  2. “Once your initial selection is discovered to be unavailable, you may not replace letters in the phrase with numbers” – Two reasons for this: 1) It makes you look completely unoriginal and 2) The majority of people out there don’t get that the number three can be used as an “E.” So, you get people trying to read “AW5UM3,” and should they not suffer a stroke trying to decipher it, will call up a friend or relative to have them try to translate it for them as your own stupidity has stopped them dead in their tracks.

  3. “The plate should be able to stand on its own. It should NOT require items from your car to properly convey the message.” – If anything, any decals on your car should be built around the plate itself, and should just enhance the tag and be in an easy to spot place. Real life example for you: sitting in traffic, I’m behind a car that says “CLTSFAN.” I’ll give you a second to try and decipher that one, and once your mind is firmly in the gutter, I’ll tell you that there was a tiny Indianapolis Colts emblem in the bottom right corner of their rear windshield. That message now has an ENTIRELY different meaning now, doesn’t it?

  4. “Any phrase that would be uttered by Snoop Dog is strictly forbidden.” – Nothing else, if you have any form of “-eezy” on your plate, I hope you lose control of your car, fly off the bridge, miss the water, and slam into the nearest abutment. Personally, I don’t see the appeal of personalized plates, mainly because I’m very much into self-preservation, and I enjoy the anonymity that eight randomly generated characters give me. Those of you who own them may not understand, but think about it like this: cars on the road are pretty much the same, no real discernible features outside of a few tacky stickers and a license plate. Should your plate be a jumble of nonsense, then there’s no big deal if you drive like a complete ass. However, if your plate is a shortened version of a Cher song with bastardized spelling…it’d be that much easier to find you and cave your head in with a crowbar.


Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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