Junk on the Trunk

Nov 14th, 2011 | By | Category: Columns

The everyday horseless carriage is something many an individual makes use of to live their lives as they trod off to work and perform the duties necessary to keep a house running in tip-top shape. In a perfect world, that’d be all they’d be used for…but it’s not–pretentious jerkbags have decided to use the rear of their car to display any and everything they could think of that helps them believe their life is leaps and bounds ahead of the poor schmuck behind them.


The first offenders are those who have a family. Now, I’m not telling you people you shouldn’t breed, even though I should be considering we passed the 7 billion mark and a thinning of the herd is necessary. Regardless of how amazing you think the pod people who are replacing you are, I can assure you, the people sitting behind you do not. Now, just because you have that wonderful family unit, doesn’t mean the rest of the world wants to know every insignificant aspect of your lives.

First off, those bumper stickers that attest to your child’s educational prowess by attaining the rank of “Honor Roll” at their elementary school is really not that extraordinary of a feat to accomplish. It’s elementary school, the most complex thing children need to be able to do is write their entire name in cursive. I barely spent any sort of effort during that period of my educational career, and was rocking a 4.0 all six years. Not only is it a ho-hum achievement, it’s extremely dated. Sure, little Johnny is a brilliant 3rd grader, but eventually, he’s going to move on to middle school, then high school, you’ll have no more children in elementary, and you’re stuck with that faded bumper sticker.

But it doesn’t stop there, while they pretty much stop handing out those honor roll stickers, they still have other ways to force your supposed happiness on everyone that allows you to do so under the guise of “showing support” for your child. So, you adorn the back of your car with stickers that announce to the world that your children dabble in soccer, lacrosse, cheer-leading, debate team, and you’ve probably gone as far as to identify yourself with a sticker that follows the formula of: extra-curricular activity + parental role = awesome idea.

Even so, those stickers are nowhere NEAR as annoying as those ones that depict the entire family, including the dog and goldfish, in a crudely drawn, cave man wall painting styled fashion that’s attached to the rear windshield. You may think that’s adorable, and loving, and all that mushy nonsense, but to me, it only tells me how many people I’m going to have to brutally murder before I can get away with robbing your house of all its valuables.

Potential victims.

Next up are the outdoorsy, folk of the earth type people, you know, rednecks. It’s great that you’ve managed to find a hobby that makes you one with nature, getting out into the woods so you can take in everything this planet has to offer you, it really is, but when I’m behind your Ford F-150, I don’t need to see this love staring back at me. I don’t care if you use the disembodied head of a 12-point buck to signify you’re a hunter, in fact, I don’t need it: your camouflage hat, gun rack, truck’s paint job, and the dead deer with its head propped up on the tailgate is more than enough. There is one thing you absolutely need to do, as it does nothing but induce a rage-repressing sigh, and that’s to stop using unlicensed depictions of Calvin urinating on whatever it is you don’t like; Chevrolet, Ford, people of different ethnic background. You’re taking a very fond piece of my childhood, and using it in a way that goes completely against the character. First of, he’s six, he doesn’t have a legitimate opinion on any sort car that’s not produced by either Matchbox or Hot Wheels. Second, he’s above the low-browness of public urination.

Calvin deserves better.

Lastly, it’s you folks who stand for some sort of cause: we get it, you’re so much better than us commoners as you drive your Prius, sipping on your soy milk latte, nibbling on a gluten-free muffin, and professing your desire to save some animal that does nothing for the ecosystem outside of taking a crap in the woods. Here’s a tip: you buying that bumper sticker does nothing for that animal, and, if anything, you’re responsible for the removal of an oxygen producing tree, contributing to air pollution (a handful of times over as the adhesive and plastics used in its creation need to be manufactured), and then the money wasted on gas. The money used to purchase the bumper sticker could’ve been used to actually donate to the cause the sticker claims to stand for.

You sicken me.


Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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