“The Initial Reports on Classic Consumer Products,” by Chason Gordon

Nov 2nd, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Toaster

Breadphiles may finally rejoice in this new invention. For years, forced to hold their bread over fire, put it in the oven, or yell at it until it blushed brown with shame, breads fans the world over can now save time and money with what my sources call: “the Toaster.” Compact, lightweight, and able to fit on any countertop, one has to simply place the bread in the machine, depress the mechanical tray, and in minutes, fresh crispy warm toast is ready for whatever sugared spread is local to your town. The pop-up feature is strikingly convenient (not to be confused with Pop-up video), as early versions of the revolutionary machine required one to pull the bread out of the toaster in an Operation-like procedure, wherein many brave young test pilots lost use of their jam-spreading hands.

I am further told that there will be models allowing room for bagels, multiple toasting slots, and something called the “Toaster Oven,” which will have a glass display showing how the toasting is done. That’s like surgery open to the public!

This new invention varies in price depending on how much you like breakfast, but is sure to sweep the nation like the cotton gin before it.

The Dimmer Switch

The gulf between the blackness of death and the purity of light has long stymied the average citizen. Why should our hearts, let alone our light bulbs, be governed by this draconian view of the world? Should not we move at the speed of our pupils, instead of the slapdash electrons of whom it might be said are without soul or character?

Unscrew that light switch, because here comes “the Dimmer.” A circular device that is always spin ready, the dimmer gives you power over the satanic brew that is electricity, morphing its raging torrent into a gentle wedding procession.

You can adjust the brightness of the room to whatever activity is taking place, like developing photographs, having a romantic Scrabble game, or slowly revealing a surprise party.

The dimmer even allows you to pretend you’re in a dramatic play. “Mom…dad…I’m pregnant.” Fade to black.

I’ve got it on good word they’re installing a dimmer at Dodger Stadium, so they can dim the bright lights during a pop fly. No more excuses boys!

The Orb (reprinted from the future)

The Orb is a portable sphere of raw energy which enhances general quality of life. Its applications are endless, from permanently chilling beverages, to raising one’s T-cell count, to digitizing friends. The Orb even tracks your space time shadow so you can fix any regret in your life (like the time you only bought one Orb!). Reasonably priced, the Orb merely costs two children fed into The Machine. Get yours today!


Chason Gordon is a standup comedian and freelance writer, whose work has appeared in Strut Magazine, Nabewise, The Big Jewel, West Seattle Fun Blog, and Thought Catalog. He currently lives in Seattle, although is on a month to month lease. You may find him at: literallyhumor.com and twitter.com/chasongordon


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