“Doomed from the Start: The WAPTIAW Campaign,” by Chris Haygood

Jun 1st, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Tired of the “unfair portrayal” of wasps as “pissed-off flying hate machines,” PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, launched their “Wasps Are People Too, In A Way” campaign in early 2012. This was a movement to boost the image of these ornery insects by having them participate in a variety of sporting events, demonstrating that they, too, could engage in cooperative and playful activities. When asked about the logic of this idea, PETA promptly took a few more naked photos of celebrities for their advertisements, and public tempers were conveniently soothed.

Here are a few of the events featured in the ill-fated WAPTIAW campaign:

Waspball: Wasp baseball. This was a problem from the get-go, as not one of the wasps seemed willing to bat, pitch, catch, follow rules, and not fly out of the stadium at random times during the game. But things really started to heat up after it was revealed that the wasps had been juicing. The ensuing heavily-reported case made its way to the Supreme Court, where, in a landmark decision, judges ruled in favor of “Holy God get these steroid-enhanced wasps out of the courtroom! Help! One’s in my robe! Heeeelp!” The wasps are currently planning an appeal.  

Waspball: Wasp basketball. The ambiguous name caused much confusion throughout the campaign. Also a failure, due in part to the players’ rampant sexual misconduct.  

Waspball: This one was actually hockey. 

Wasp Wrestling Federation: About a dozen wasps had colorful uniforms strapped to their bodies, were jostled around for “motivation,” and were then let loose in a frenzied, no-holds-barred free-for-all while being shouted at by drunk wrestling fans and an announcer so shrill his voice was often mistaken for a series of sonic booms. The subsequent attack on the audience members—made possible by the fact that the fight was not a cage match, but took place in an open ring—has been likened to the Hindenburg disaster.   

WASCAR: This proved to be yet another hassle, as exact measurements were required all throughout preparation. The cars had to be heavy enough for the wasps not to be able to fly off carrying them, but light enough for the wasps to be able to steer properly. Things were made even more complicated when, after days of finding cars of the exact size and weight, the wasps refused to acquire their driver’s licenses. This ended with yet another mass attack on the spectators—however, as is usually the case when it comes to sports containing the suffix -ASCAR, the public looked the other way.  

Wasp Curling: Wasps did not enjoy curling.  

Wasp Trivia: Not one question was answered, and the host, a camera man, and six audience members were killed by wasp venom.  

Wasp Poker: The word “poker” was taken far too literally. 

Wasp Round-Up: Exasperated by their dwindling list of more “humanizing” sports, PETA resorted to rodeo theatrics to get the insects involved. This was met with the same level of success as the previous events, as catching a wasp with a lasso is harder than it sounds.  

Wasp Circus: Nope.

Wasp Firing Range: It was, perhaps, a bad idea to give them guns.

In the end, the WAPTIAW campaign was a massive failure, with millions of angry wasps, some of them hopped up on steroids, others toting handguns, and many of a rare and vicious breed usually found in the jungles of Madagascar, let loose throughout the country to attack the population at will. Even today these wasps clutter the air above us, having multiplied exponentially since the campaign was finally shelved in 2013, and one cannot even leave one’s own house without a beekeeper’s uniform and body armor for fear of being attacked by these flying—in the words of one perturbed teenage citizen—“bitches.”

When asked to comment, PETA spokeswoman Anne Browning cackled demoniacally and said, “The first step is in place. The Circle of Plagues will soon be complete,” before coughing, placing her hand on her chest, and claiming that “Wow,” she “must have a cold or something.” 

It’s clear that human society still has a long way to go before it considers wasps “people.” Meanwhile, PETA has recently announced its next campaign, “Botflies: Not All That Bad Maybe?” 


Chris Haygood is a writer whose nonsense will soon be published on a number of unsuspecting literary websites. Curious parties are referred to his blog, High-Level Refuse (highlevelrefuse.wordpress.com).

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