Cube Calisthenics

May 2nd, 2011 | By | Category: Columns, Prose

We all need to keep up our shapely figures. But this can be hard with the barrage of sweet treats we’re force-fed at work parties. Combine your gorging on ice cream cake for breakfast and that sitting upright has begun to make you wheeze means you might need to reevaluate your current exercise regime.

You might be thinking “How can I do that, stupid?”  Well, dumb ass, here are some tips to keep you toned!

Chair Spins

Not just a great way to free your inner “WHEEEEEEEE!” Spinning in your chair also works on troublesome love handles. Bonus: Enough spinning could lead to some awesome purging. More calories burned, score!

Ink Cartridge Juggling

Concerned about your upper body strength? Well, this exercise is sure to get those arms toned! Everyone knows you burn calories when changing the ink in your printer. But you can  burn an additional one calorie simply by partaking in the age old practice of circus performers and crazy homeless guys. Bonus: If you perform this feat in front of your co-workers, your hatred of them, plus your mind-numbing perfectionism will cause you to sweat, leading to the loss of an extra half-calorie! Ink-stained fingers will simply be a confirmation of your successful trim figure and sudden addiction to fluorescers.

Conference Room Jogging

Like me, you might spend a majority of your day running back and forth between offices, aware that your undergraduate degree in Musicology has failed you. Why not hone your disappointment in your 9 to 5 life and use up the last vestiges of your energy for a nice run around the nearest conference room. Work those glutes, peon! For ultimate calorie burning, pretend killer clowns from space are chasing you, or a predator droned shaped in the likeness of Donald Rumsfeld.


Fuck that, have an intern do it.

And there you have it! You are well on your way to working off the jelly from those jelly donuts. Don’t forget to end your cube workout with a rejuvenating facial massage. To your coworkers, this might look like you’re trying to end your workplace misery by rubbing your face off, but it’s simply a reward for your hard work! (Hint: don’t do this if you’re wearing eyeliner, or you will end up with some unattractive smudging.  This warning is for men too! Indeed, Andrew looks great in eyeliner–like a young Robert Smith’s gardener.)



Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.

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