The first thing I think about when I walk into an office party is harakiri.

I hate forced social time. Your coworkers, much like your family, are not pickable pals. Usually, I can manage ten minutes of a birthday/holiday/last day party until I reach my breaking point. Then I think of an excuse to leave (“Holy shit, I left my unicorn in the oven!” or “I forgot to get back to Dr. Abacus!”).

There are generally two main types of office parties: The holiday sort, or the farewell party kind where people. Farewell parties particularly disgust me because I am jealous that I am not yet at death’s door and they often feature “themes” like luaus or Stetson cowboy hats (I look really hot in those, by the way! They do a great job of obscuring my planetary sized forehead).

Despite my urge to make up a hobnob of creative excuses, most of the time, I begrudgingly sit and enjoy my coworker’s “Congrats on the New Baby!” or “Good Luck with the Pancreas!” party. But under the condition that I am able to gorge my corporate misery with delicious high saturated fat snacks. The treats the party planners manage to smuggle in, like cocaine into a middle school are glorious and addicting. Cheesecake, ice cream cake, cupcakes, layer cake, and other foods I stack on top of each other to look like cake (the celery bagel cake I made will live on in delicious infamy).

While free food is great, the social component of these parties is overrated. It usually involves one or more speeches, followed by awkward smalltalk about 1.) the weather, 2.) your family, and 3.) the mouse problem. So you’re probably wondering, “How do I avoid listening to people talk while still enjoying free food?” Luckily, this columnist is a frickin’ expert.

1-Enlist the help of a willing sucker. Bribery works, as do threats and blackmail. So does shamelessness: “I’m soooooo busy. Could you bring me something back?” you say, giggling and batting your eyelashes while you wear a tight-fitting shirt–in fact, just behave like that heifer Charlotte does on a daily basis and you’ll do just fine.

2-Come to the party late. You’ll avoid any opening speeches and most of the crowd will have wandered away, but you’ll be stuck with leftovers. This isn’t so bad, as people tend to bring in more food than necessary. Don’t try this too much, though. You don’t want to earn the title “Office Garbage Disposal.” That’s actually why I had to leave my last job.

3-Use ninja magic. Self explanatory, really.

Of course, if the party is going to be totally lame, you might want to just avoid it entirely. You can always feign illness, but really hardcore people like me prefer a little more realism in their excuses. That’s why I always leave a piece of undercooked chicken in the break room fridge. Enjoy, Charlotte!

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Alison Burke is a writer from the Washington D.C. area, and has been a past Defenestration contributor. She enjoys cake and male models. She wishes her life was more like a Baby Bash video — save she would be the douche wearing a sideways cap as bikini-clad men grooved comedically for her viewing pleasure.