“A Letter from Bin Laden to Al-Qaeda (circa 2010),” by Peter Dabbene

May 31st, 2011 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The C.I.A. recently discovered a copy of correspondence sent by Osama Bin Laden via courier in 2010. The contents of that correspondence are shown here for the first time:

Dear Agents of Al-Qaeda:

It is I, Osama bin Laden, your fearless leader—contacting you from a small den where I hide like a tiny mammal during the Cretaceous era. Praise Allah, on with the Jihad, and all that. Now, on to other matters.

I have dispatched this courier to acquire additional materials for my study of America and its weaknesses. This research is vital, and you will assist the courier in acquiring these materials BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. This material is crucial to the continued proper functioning of the head of Al-Qaeda (me).

I ask that the following periodicals be delivered to me:

1)     2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
2)     Playboy Magazine, September 1985 (Madonna issue)
3)     Playboy Magazine, December 2007 (Kim Kardashian issue)

As well as the current issues of Juggs, Taboo, and Hustler, and the full Paris Hilton sex tape. Also any videos of Girls Gone Wild, which helps me track the depraved state of America’s youth.

The only American periodical I currently possess is the J.C. Penny Summer Catalogue 2006, which is ripped in places, with several pages stuck together (I must have spilled some yogurt). The pornographic videotapes  I possess are old and have worn out at most inopportune points in the narratives. Thus it is urgent that I have new material to study as soon as possible. I am hardcore about this.

Under no circumstances should this material be delivered to any of my wives. I alone must receive these items, which should be wrapped in plain brown paper and marked “Terrorism Plans”.

In addition, comrades, I must tell you it has been difficult to communicate safely, as the Americans continue to monitor cell phone frequencies, e-mails, and other standard methods. But I do occasionally risk internet access, and I will continue to post coded messages to operatives via United States porn websites, using America’s own sexy and salacious sins against them. Despite the debauched, nasty, and tittillating nature of these sites, I will not only continue to sacrifice for the cause, but further dedicate myself to finding the most unusual and unwatched porn sites, to best reduce the risk of intercepted communications. These sites may include the words “gonzo,” “XXXtreme,” or “bestiality.” I will post comments in response to video postings, with the coded content following one of three identifier-comments, by which you will know the coded message is authentic:

1)     “What is this girl’s name, does she live in Pakistan?”
2)     “OMG!!! How did she do that?”
3)     “WTF??????????”

In conclusion, Al-Qaeda, my friends, let me review your most important tasks:

1)     Defeat the United States.
2)     Return the Islamic world to pre-scientific status.
3)     Send porn.

(Not neccessarily in that order.)

Yours truly,

Osama Bin Laden


Peter Dabbene is a Hamilton, New Jersey-based writer. His poetry has been featured in various print and online journals and collected in the book Optimism.  He has also published two story collections, Prime Movements and Glossolalia, as well as a novel, Mister Dreyfus’ Demons, and a collection of poetry, Optimism. Some of his stories can be found online at www.mcsweeneys.net, www.piginpoke.com, www.defenestrationmag.net, www.eyeshot.net, www.quantummuse.com, www.yankeepotroast.org, and  www.wordriot.org,  in print in US 1, American Drivel Review, North Atlantic Review, Universe Pathways, Riversedge, Writer’s Post Journal, Cantaraville, in the music anthology Tribute to Orpheus and recorded in the audiozine Scyweb Bem. He has also reviewed books for The Hamilton Post, Ewing Observer, and Lawrence Gazette newspapers, and is currently a columnist for the Hamilton Post (his columns are viewable at www.mercerspace.com/blog/pdabbene). Several of his plays have been performed in New Jersey and Philadelphia venues. His comic book work is forthcoming in Futurequake, and he is collaborating with artist Ryan Bayliss on a graphic novel called Ark, to be published in 2011. His website is www.peterdabbene.com.

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