“A History of Economic Bubbles as Told Through Worthington Family Letters,” by John Frank Weaver

Jul 21st, 2010 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

February 3, 1637

Beloved Papa,

I am ever so delighted to find myself in Amsterdam at the dawn of the new age of floral wealth! Every person I greet in the city squares is aglow with the bright future of tulips and Dutch trade. I have heard stories in the salons that the Ottoman Sultan himself is investing most of his personal fortune in Dutch tulips! Although I intended only a short sojourn before beginning my studies at Leiden University, my plans have changed. I have become apprenticed to a merchant here in Amsterdam and shall represent him in his trade discussions with his British counterparts.  In return for his professional company, I have signed a contract pledging £10,000, which is the reason for my missive.  I am approximately £9,990 short on my commitment.  Please send a sealed note of guarantee for that amount to the address on this letter. I assure you it will be a wise investment. A month ago, a mere 40 bulbs sold for 100,000 Dutch guilders. There could be no safer investment than in tulips and your child’s future in commerce.

As always, I remain your loving son,

James Worthington

August 1, 1720

Dearest Father,

What a thrill it is to be in London – the center of commerce – at the beginning of a new world built by the buyers and sellers of stock!  In every corner of the city, from the noblest Duke to the lowliest stable boy, every person is seized by the prospect of wealth and ownership.  From what I have heard, King George himself has invested most of his personal fortune in the stock of the South Sea Company.  Although I intended only a short day trip to London while taking a break from my studies at Cambridge, my plans have changed.  I have become apprenticed to a stockbroker here in London and shall assist him in investing in the multitude of new corporations blooming in this age of wealth.  In return for his professional favor, I have signed a contract pledging him £25,000, which is the reason for this letter.  I am approximately £24,990 short on my commitment.  Please send a letter guaranteeing this amount to the return address on my envelope.  I promise you it is a wise investment.  Just yesterday, the price of a share of South Sea stock sold for £1,000. I have it on good authority that the price will only go up! And I shall have access to even more profitable ventures. I am exploring a purchase of a very exciting corporation, which advertises itself as “a company for carrying out an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what it is.”  Such opportunties are ours for the taking, Father, if you will but trust me today.

Your grateful and respectful son,

George Worthington

October 10, 2005

Dear Dad,

Greetings from Las Vegas – the center of the new world of cash!  The real estate in this place is skyrocketing.  I’m telling you, Dad, every card shark, loan shark, show girl, playgirl, pole dancer, exotic dancer, hooker, stripper, waiter, and teenager has purchased an interest in land.  It doesn’t matter if it’s for casinos or condos, that’s where the money is.  I heard that Bill Gates has sold all his Microsoft stock to invest in Vegas real estate.  Now, I know that I was only supposed to stay for Columbus Day weekend before heading back to Stanford, but this place is exploding. I have already signed a letter of intent with a real estate developer to assist with his newest project on the Strip, pledging $80,000, which is the reason for my letter.  I’m currently $79,500 short.  Please send me the $80,000 you would have spent on my schooling as one lump sum now.  I guarantee I can give it back to you in six months, plus interest.  This is the new economy, and we can take advantage of it!


Jon Worthington

July 22, 2030

Hey Pops,

A big “What up!” from Beijing, the epicenter of global money and power.  Everyone here is talking about the foundation of the world’s economy for the next thirty years: Peking duck.  As I’m sure you know, the world has embraced a new food revolution that will change the way we eat and live.  Peking duck is at the forefront of that.  From the littlest Communist Party member in elementary school to the most influential government official, everyone here is pouring their life savings into Peking duck exports.  I’ve even heard that Chinese President Yao has invested most of the country’s cash reserves into duck.  And, Pops, we can invest in it too.  I’ve decided to drop out of Beijing University and work for a firm founded by a chef/exporter.  I have signed a contract with him agreeing that, in return for a share of his profits, I will give him $1 million up front, which is the reason for this written message.  I am $999,000 short of my commitment.  Please deposit $1 million into my Sino-American Bank of Asia account.  I promise that I’ll pay you back double – you won’t be sorry!

Your loving son,

Tre Worthington


Before he became the Boy from Nowhere – the One Who Walked In, the First and Last and Only, who lived a thousand years – he was just a little boy in New Hampshire, named John. John Frank Weaver. You can follow his plans to introduce his unborn child to culture at Content Based Dad. His right hand writes about life as a sock puppet on Twitter.

Tags: ,

Comments are closed.