“South Face Commercial,” by Jimmy Kahler

Sep 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

Two guys are standing outside next to a bus stop, rubbing their hands together while they freeze in the cold with one another.)

Guy 1: Man, it is freezing outside. I can barely feel my hands.

Guy 2: Yeah dude, it’s cold as dick out here.

(A voice appears out of nowhere. The guys hear it and look confused)

Narrator: Did I here it was cold as dick outside?

(The guy’s look into the camera and talk to the voice)

Guy 2: Um, yeah I guess…that’s what I said to my friend here.

Narrator: And what ever do you mean by this sort of statement?

Guy 1: Well what I think my pal here was trying to say was that it is so cold out that any male individual, such as ourselves, could literally freeze his or her penis off.

(The camera glances over to a trans sexual, who is clearly freezing her penis off, then goes back to guy 2 talking.)

Guy 2: Exactly, it’s like there’s way too much cold air flowing through the zipper on my jeans, making my junk feel worthless and cold.

Narrator: What can you do about it?

Guy 2: Nothing. Just deal with it I guess.

Narrator: Wrong! That means you guys have never heard of South Face, the first and only jacket made for the male penis.

Guy 1: I don’t get it, a jacket for your penis?

Narrator: That’s right, made purposely to keep your penis feeling warm and in style.

Guy 2: Warm and in style? This is too good to be true!

Narrator: Oh but it is true. You see… South Face is made out of a latex material so that it fits nice and snug to your Johnson, just like a condom.

Guy 1 and 2: (simultaneously) Cool!

Narrator: South Face also has a very thing layer of cotton on the inside, keeping your piece as warm as it would be in your own hand. It even has a waterproof coating on the outside, keeping your business safe from whatever kind of weather comes its’ way.

Guy 1 and 2:  (simultaneously) Awesome!

(The trans sexual appears again, and speaks to the camera)

Trans sexual: But how is this the least bit stylish?

Narrator: Well this is the best part. South Face jackets come in 5 different colors and also includes convenient and cool looking zipper pockets. These pockets are designed to hold anything from Chap Stick to your Bluetooth. Here, try these on and tell me what you think.

(The two guys and trans sexual try on their own South Face jacket and share their thoughts with the camera.)

Guy 1: Wow, this is terrific! Not only is my penis warm, but it’s also looking cool, like the kid who sits in the back seat on a school bus.

Guy 2: South Face is insane! I’ll never have to embarrass myself again by putting my hands down my pants to keep my dick warm. I can stay warm, look sharp, and put things in the zipper pockets, like my condom!

Trans sexual: I never thought I would wear a South Face, but this jacket is a godsend. It keeps my unmentionable cozy and looking fabulous! I’m now thinking about keeping my crank permanently, as I have on my South Face!

(The order number and screen appears, with a visual of the South Face jacket in several different colors.)

Narrator: Men, South Face is the only jacket on the market that fits your needs to keeping your penis’ warm and comfy. It’s the only dick jacket that’s made for style, so you can free ball and feel classy at the same time. At a giving price of $45 dollars, South Face can be yours in no time, so call 1-800-dic-jack and keep warm while looking great.

(Guys 1, 2 and the trans sexual all speak into the camera, with their junk sticking out snuggled into South Faces, high- fiving each other.)

All: South Face, it’s warmth in style!


Jimmy Kahler is a student at Ohio University, where he writes comedy.











Tags: , , ,

Comments are closed.