“Litigation Nation,” by Nick Allen

Sep 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

“What have we got this week Jarvis, anything out of the ordinary?”

“A couple of cases of interest, but we are staring the week with ‘A Paper Cut’, Sir.”

“A paper cut? Surely there are guidance leaflets available for the use of books, you know “Care must be taken blar blar blar…”

“Ah, yes, all book and paper product suppliers issue warnings as standard now, but this woman actually cut her finger on the leaflet!! Says she now has a paper phobia, scared to pick the stuff up, unreasonable fear of other wood-based products, family in crisis. You know, the usual.”

“Bloody hell, this is going to bugger up Scandinavia if she wins. Am I right in thinking that their whole economy is based on the production of Warning Leaflets?”

“Yes Sir, Denmark and Sweden produce nothing but.”

“Bugger, and I’ve got shares in Sweden too. Still, it shows the dangers of basing a whole economy on one product. Unlike like Britain eh? Not only have we the cornered the ‘Best Before’ label market, but we’ve still got the good old ‘Safety Goggles’ industry sewn up.”

“Taking of which Sir, better pop yours on, I’m about to open a packet of crisps. Wouldn’t want a shard of potato flying into your eye.”

“Damn it Jarvis, just open the blasted crisps, I’ll take a chance.”

“No can do Sir. Unless you want to sign this disclaimer…”

“Shall we just move on Jarvis. What’s after the paper cut?”

“Says here, a woman burned herself.”

“Ha! She’s no chance. Anyone producing anything even vaguely warm is wise to that one – disclaimers and warnings cover everything tepid and over. What’s she burned herself on anyway?

“A naked flame Sir.”

“Wow, I didn’t know we still had one of those. Who’s she hoping to sue?”

“Well as you know Sir, there are no actual companies that would leave themselves wide open to that one, so she’s going after Mother Nature herself, for “producing fire without due care and attention”.

“Novel, I’ll give her that, but even if she wins, how will she ever collect any cash?”

“Now this is pure genius Sir. She expects Mother Earth to ‘forfeit all gold and precious stones mined over a period of seven days’. What do you think, does she have a chance?”

“Don’t see why not Jarvis, after all it’s no madder than all the others we see. What’s after that one?”

“Ah, looks like our profession is being targeted, Sir. Man here says that living is such a litigious society has made him paranoid, stopped him enjoying life.”

“Absolute nonsense Jarvis!! In fact I think we can have him for slander there.”

————

Nick is a Mental Health Nurse who is leaving his home town of Manchester as he has recently developed webbed feet and has grown gills. His new home is in Dorset, where he hopes to dry out.

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