“Excerpts from Stimulus Package Requests from Industries with Questionable Influence in the Federal Government,” by John Frank Weaver

Mar 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

Greeting Card Industry

We propose to add a new holiday to the traditional Gregorian calendar. Holidays inspire American consumers to purchase greeting cards, regardless of the nature of the holiday. People send Christmas cards, Valentine’s Day cards, Easter cards, Thanksgiving cards, and Halloween cards. Even minor holidays such as Arbor Day and International Talk Like a Pirate Day produce noticeable increases in greeting card sales. In the current economic downturn, we would like the federal government to announce a new holiday as soon as possible. In response to a brand new holiday, we expect card sales to increase 5.26% over the same period from the previous year. Our studies have revealed that potentially popular holidays include Middle Name Pride Day and Software Freedom Day.

Animation Industry

The White House press briefing has become a stale event in the news cycle: reporters ask questions, the press secretary avoids giving clear answers. At the same time, the cartoon consumption of the American media consumer is in freefall. We suggest that the federal government contract cartoonists to animate the press secretary and the White House press briefing. Obviously, this gives the Executive Branch the opportunity to prescreen questions ahead of time, as animating a live press briefing would place a tremendous strain on the cartoonists’ hands. The briefings can later be repackaged as DVD specials with extra features, like animated current event games for the kids. As everyone knows, kids love current events.

Porn Industry

A measure of the economy’s tough shape is the slow down in the porn industry, normally the most recession-proof of recession-proof industries. However, there are some simple, common sense solutions that would provide a measure of relief to the business. While porn studios are implementing some of these strategies, we need the federal government. Essentially, we want to put a library of pornos in the Lincoln Bedroom. Don’t worry – we will provide these DVDs free of cost to the government. In return, we will be able to attach our films to the prestige of the nation’s most famous bedroom, a marketing opportunity that will put some Viagra in our limp sales. All that’s required from the federal government is that it invite us to do our thing where Lincoln slept.

Synergy Industry

The biggest problem facing the synergy industry is that other industries no longer want to combine. This prevents natural co-assisting sale and production elements from decreasing cross-industry costs and increasing cross-industry value. However, we have become aware of stimulus proposals from other industries which we feel lend themselves well to the assistance of the synergy industry. That is why we are asking the federal government to work with the greeting card, animation, and porn industries in their stimulus package requests. But we also want the government to contract us to coordinate it. We plan to combine those proposals into the creation of a new holiday: Porn in the Lincoln Bedroom Day, which will be commemorated with an animated special, possibly involving Charlie Brown. Although some may see this as a drastic step, it is vital to restoring the vibrancy of the American economy.


John Frank Weaver received $1.25 million from the stimulus package to write for Defenestration. In return for receiving those funds he agreed to forgo his annual bonus, which was going to be a puppy.

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