“Man of Spam (Spam Man),” by Ron Singer

Nov 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

Recently (how?), Kevin Kile (Mr. Kevin Kile) underwent (experienced) a
perfect spam storm. (What does that mean?)

The principal (main) source of Kevin’s (Mr. Kile’s) problem was
vocational (work-related): he was (is) a writer (author).
Specifically (yes, be specific), he was (is, is) an emerging (like a groundhog?) fiction writer with 43 (forty-three) Internet (ezine? blog? both?) publications (postings) to his credit. (Well, then.)

Someone (more likely, some ones) penetrated (what!) his e-mail
submissions to various publications (oh), and almost immediately (soon afterwards) the spam began to rain down on him (arrive). It was like a meteor
shower (a perfect spam storm? Happy Metaphor Day. Kevin!) Each submission
seemed to trigger (set off, no, trigger -provoke?) a cloudburst (a lot) of spam.

* * *
For instance, his clever (according to whom?) fictional piece (story), “A
Fig for My Mother” (I’d like to read that one, myself!) drew more than a
hundred (109) spams (ugh!) in several categories (of two kinds).

The first category (kind) apparently derived from (was apparently
related to) the title of the story. A single (Here is an) example:
–Scriptural Origins of 100 (One Hundred) of the World’s Most Common Obscene Gestures (Whoa!), by (The Very) Reverend Mishach (M.) Shadrach Abinadab. (Seriously, you jest.)

The other (second) category (kind, kind) apparently derived from (was
obviously related to) Kile (“Kile”), the (his) surname (name), itself.
In this case, too, we have (Here is) an (one) example:

1.Unique Promotional Opportunity (uh oh): The Keystone (cops)
International Livestock (moo) Exhibition Invites You to Become a Proud
Sponsor (bull) of … (Hey, those are his/my initials; that’s the last,
yes, straw.)

* * *
So (after pressing delete a few more (thousand) times, what did (Mr.)
Kile (I) do? One thing (this):

1. He (I) considered using snail mail exclusively. [Pay for stamps
and Internet? (And) with those long lines?[

(AND) THE SOLUTION (finally):
Stop writing (okay, for now, anyhow) and change your (my) name to …
(never mind).


Ron Singer is a jack-of-all genres (satires, stories, poems, librettos, journalism). Among his gross of publications are satires in, e.g., diagram, elimae, ghoti, Oregon Literary Review, and Word Riot. Just now, he is featured poet at New Works Review (election issue); his chapbook, A Voice for My Grandmother (Ten Penny Players), is in its second printing; and The Second Kingdom, an e-book of novellas (three), is due out in January ’09 from Cantarabooks, LLC. For forty-four years, Singer taught and wrote. Now he writes and is treated as a retiree (cooks, shops, tutors, edits, and babysits his grandson, Leo).

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