“Local Businesses that Missed the Point When Helping Needy Families,” by John Frank Weaver

Dec 20th, 2007 | By | Category: Prose

Family 1: Single mom, age 35; 2 boys, ages 6 and 10. Mom would like a new sweatshirt. 6-year old likes stuffed animals and needs a new jacket. 10-year old likes Transformers and could use socks.

Local Business Sponsor: Wanda’s Brassiere and Lingerie Gallery. Mom received three dozen Infinity Edge Push-Up bras, Wanda’s most popular push-up, for the ultimate lift and cleavage. The 6-year old got teddies of multiple styles: lacy, velvet, mesh, leather, etc. 10-year old was given every different design of Wanda’s short romper one-piece bathing suit, each of which transforms into a hoodie.


Family 2: Father, 36 years old; daughter, 13 years old. Father would like a set of durable hand tools. Daughter likes fantasy books, particularly vampire romance.

Local Business Sponsor: Leo’s Olde Style Barbershop. Dad received a free moustache waxing and two tins of Dapper Dan hair gel. Daughter received a certificate redeemable for one perm and dye job with the hair color of her choice.


Family 3: Dad, 21 years old; Mom, 20 years old; Baby girl, 18 months. Dad would like a nice pair of slacks and a tie. Mom would like kitchen ware. Little girl likes rattles and books for ages 3 and under.

Local Business Sponsor: Wilson’s Gas n’ Go. Dad received a gift card good for a free pair of sunglasses at any one of Wilson’s 3 convenient service stations around the county. Mom received a free DVD rental from any one of Wilson’s 2 convenient video rental counters at its 3 convenient service stations around the county. Baby girl received a Gas n’ Go gift card, good for $10 worth of gas at any one of Wilson’s 3 convenient service stations around the county.


Family 4: Man, 66 years old; woman, 65 years old; their son, 40 years old; his wife, 39 years old. 66-year old man would like a pair of wool gloves and a winter hat. 65-year old woman would like new rain coat. 40-year old man would like winter boots. 39-year old women could use thick socks and underwear.

Local Business Sponsor: Main Street Investment, LLP. Everyone in the family receives a free session with Charles Grotting, head manager of Main Street’s Small Cap Statistical Market Neutral Fund, one of Main Street’s highest returning asset management funds. A talk with Grotting gives every family a better idea of where to invest their money, how to plan for retirement, and how to construct wills to take advantage of loopholes in the estate tax.


Family 5: Father, age 39; mother, age 37; son, age 11. Father wants a winter jacket. Mother wants new reading glasses. Son wants the teddies and push-up bras that Family 1 got.

Local Business Sponsor: Harry’s Tavern. Father and mother both received a whiskey, straight. Son was given the chance to talk about his issues with Sully, the bartender.


John Frank Weaver is the pen name of a fictitious writer dreamed up by an infinite number of typewriter-pounding monkeys, which were created by Ãmile Borel, a physicist featured in a Wikipedia entry written by someone named John Frank Weaver.

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