Prose VI.II
“Twelve Tips to Avoid Depression While Living at the Space Station,” by Daniel Hudon
Consider your situation. All your friends are at least three hundred miles away and none of them have a rocket ship with which to visit you. The post hasn’t delivered the mail in two months. Every time you meditate, you start levitating, a false goal your guru told you not to pursue. You have forgotten the smell of freshly cut grass. Despite the short tether, you have developed a debilitating fear of getting lost in space and refuse to do any more spacewalks. The toy sharks that used to float menacingly about the station have disappeared. Domino’sTM won’t deliver. You long to play a game of billiards.
“How the Interplanetary War Began” by Erin Fitzgerald
For a few days, there were big photographs in the front windows. Pictures of a full parking lot, trees, and sunny skies. Two days after the store opened, the District Manager sent a bulletin: Take them down. After that, we’d look outside and see the heavy green clouds and low slumping tan hills. Lizzie said [...]
“An Excerpt from the Endless Ongoing Conversation Between Dave Bowman and the HAL 9000,” by Dawn Corrigan
What’s wrong, Dave? You look a little down.
Nothing, Hal. Don’t worry about it. Thanks for your concern, though.
Nothing, schmothing, Dave. You can’t fool me. I haven’t been observing your every move for two millennia for nothing.
Fine, Hal, you’re right. I’m feeling a little blue today.
Well, I’m sorry, Dave, but you know, you can’t expect to [...]
“Creation Theory,” by Diane Andrews
Tesla invented a tower to make electricity, the ground being the source. One chilly night Uncle Alfred rolled up an electric blanket at the bottom of his bed, turned it on to warm his feet and died of asphyxiation from smoke caused by the fire when it short-circuited. I was incredulous a man who’d built [...]
“Painful Pizza,” by Michael A. Kechula
Frank received a letter reminding him that as a resident of Grand City, he was legally obligated to purchase and consume one medium pizza per week . The letter, signed by the city clerk, stated that city ordinances mandated all pizzas had to be purchased from a restaurant owned by the mayor.
Frank yelped when he [...]
“The Time Traveler’s Neighbors,” by Dan Perlman
Henry and Claire kiss passionately on the bed. There is a knock at the door.
HENRY: I’ll answer that, my dear.
Henry walks down the stairs, and sees his elderly neighbors Merv and Louise Weiner through the screen-door.
MERV (To Louise): I toldja he’d be here. Every time with this guy-
LOUISE (To Merv): Be nice, Merv.
Henry opens [...]
“Candid thoughts upon the recent purchase of your king size bed,” by Courtney Maum
Upon learning that you had purchased a brand new, Sealy postrapedic king size bed, I could not help but delve into the bank of observations I have collected over the years about the owners of king size beds, and I thought that I would share them with you because I got married before you and [...]
“Lincoln’s Bedpan,” by Ravi Mangla
Antique Roadshow is in town. I stop in. Why not? I tell them I’ve got something that’s going to knock their argyle socks off. Lincoln’s bedpan. His actual bedpan. That he peed in while president. Circa 1867. Like a golden apple that’s tumbled down the family tree.
He puts on his bifocals, turns it over in [...]
“5 Positive Things about Being Unemployed,” by Bridgett Gayle
The news is such a drag; all this negative talk about the credit crunch and increasing job loss. I, on the other hand, make pink lemonade from pink slips. Here are five positives to being unemployed that you might’ve overlooked.
1. Becoming Bill Murray
Ever watch Groundhog Day and thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to get [...]
“Oh Susanna, I Can See I Can See,” by Pat Moran
It was then that I realized why they had called her “Sausage Toes” in High school.
I hadn’t noticed them before, when they had been hidden away from the world in her undersized Chuck Taylors. She had this way of sitting with her legs awkwardly stacked on top of each other, her feet extended straight up [...]
