Editor’s Note: Adult content, which will only make you want to read this more.

Everyone dreams of having a movie star body, but looking like Brad Pitt or Kevin James takes hard work and dedication. I can get you there. My name is Dr. Crash Carter and this is my Crash Course in fitness. I am a certified personal trainer, I have 4% body fat, and I haven’t even smelled a cheeseburger in thirteen years. In my Crash Course you will learn how to live a healthy lifestyle, have the body you’ve always wanted, and finally defeat Shao Khan in Mortal Kombat II. Be warned, complete transformations do not occur overnight. It may take two, even three days before you reach your goals, so be ready for the long haul.

Before starting any weight loss regimen you must check with a doctor to ensure that your body can handle the rigors of the program. Luckily I am a doctor, and I would love to administer an examination to everyone reading this. Unfortunately, you’re out there, and I’m in here. Instead you’ll have to follow my instructions for a DIY physical. The examination is easy to perform and won’t take longer than a typical doctor visit.

First, stand up and remove all your clothes. If you’re reading this in public then you may keep your underwear on. Now stand in the nude and wait for ten minutes. For the full effect be sure to lower the temperature of the room you are waiting in to a brisk 45 degrees.

Once ten minutes have passed you can begin the examination. During a physical it’s important to go over your medical history. Please send details of your sexual history along with photos of yourself to drcrashcarter@gmail.com. Be descriptive, be explicit, and most of all, be thorough. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s been placed inside your rectum for the purposes of sexual gratification.

After you send me the deets you can take your vitals. Since you’re reading about weight loss you’re probably a fat fuck so don’t even bother taking your weight. It will only make you sad. Just open your mouth and say, “Ahh” and peek in your earlobes and check your eyeballs. Or don’t, it’s busywork anyway.

Following that you’ll need to do some bloodwork. This requires some basic household items. Grab the nearest syringe and inject it into a vein on your arm. Oh, but make sure the syringe is sanitized first. I always forget that part. Very important. If you don’t have a syringe, or if your meth head roommate took them all, you can use a sewing needle. Simply poke your vein with the needle until you draw blood. Then pour the blood into a container that measures fluids. Any old two liter bottle will do. Fill the bottle to the top and deposit the blood into your CLC6410 Modular Chemistry Analyzer. If you don’t have a CLC6410 then the CLC800 will suffice. Once the results are ready I want you to print them off, rip them up, and ignore them entirely. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got high blood sugar, hypertension, or a congenital heart defect. All that matters is your will and determination. If you’re reading this then it shows you’ve got what it takes to go forward with a rigorous weight loss program. Now onto my Crash Course.

Exercise

Ever wonder how baseball players hit so many dingers? Good old fashioned weightlifting. Weightlifting is a huge part of my Crash Course. First let’s outline the gear you’ll need:

• Gym Membership: When choosing a gym look at the other members. Are they fat? If they are, move on. If there are fat people at the gym, it means the gym doesn’t work. Find one where the members are ripped.
• Clothing: You must wear a sleeveless t-shirt when weightlifting. Your muscles won’t grow if they are being constricted by fabric.
• Hydration: You can’t drink plain old water when exercising. It is critically important to mix some sort of colorful powder into your water. I prefer Cherry Kool-Aid. You must also mix your concoction in the gym water fountain, leaving enough residue behind to clog the drain.

When you first start lifting weights, you need to know your current abilities and limitations. Find an empty bench press and add as much weight as you can find.  After you’ve loaded the bar, attempt to bench the weight. If you are crushed under its heaviness, merely lower the weight by five pounds and repeat until you can complete one rep (short for reputation, because your entire reputation hinges on how much you can lift). It is important to rest after completing a rep, so take five minutes after each one to check your phone. You can text, check email, or browse furry porn. You’ve earned it. And be sure to do this while sitting on the exercise equipment, otherwise some asshole will sit down and take it from you.

Once you discover how much you can lift it is important to improve your capacity as fast as possible. Do this by repeatedly lifting as much weight as you can handle. Dig deep, strain, and pull muscles to complete these reps. Your elbows should pop as you extend your arms. No pain, no gain. That’s my mantra, and I share it with my grandmother every time I visit her at hospice care.

When performing each rep you must emit guttural, unintelligible noises that echo throughout the gym, loud enough to be heard over the headphones of every other weakling who dares set foot in your gym. When the rep is complete slam the bar on the rack as hard as you can. This should create a thundering boom and undoubtedly damage the equipment. The combination of these sounds will let everyone know how strong you really are. These primal sounds will also trigger a woman’s biological instincts to suck your dick.

Something that gym goers must learn is proper locker room etiquette. As a man, my knowledge of women’s locker rooms stems primarily from online videos, so this information will pertain to men’s locker rooms. In the locker room it is considered impolite to stare at another man’s penis. If you want to look you must first present your penis to him. If he likes what he sees he will reciprocate the gesture. Now, you may be thinking, “I’m too nervous to change in a locker room.” That’s okay, plenty of insecure losers get nervous in locker rooms. If you’re nervous, I recommend making small talk. Ask the person next to you about himself. Where are you from? What do you do? Why are you circumcised? Are you sure that mole under your left nipple isn’t cancerous? Light questions such as these will put you both at ease.

The locker room may also be where you encounter the athlete’s greatest tool, a drug dealer. Now, to be clear, I’m not recommending that you take steroids. I’m simply letting you know that if you, of your own volition, choose to take steroids, that they spin blubber into beefcake overnight with absolutely no downside. So if a spindly, pale skinned man approaches you in the locker room and offers some juice, tell him to fuck off. Skinny guys don’t have steroids. Find yourself a dealer that’s jacked. After you willingly purchase the steroids you need to inject them. Not in your ass stupid. That’s a myth. Instead inject the steroids in the part of your body that you want to be the most muscular. If you want big arms, inject the steroids into your biceps. If you want a six pack, inject them into your stomach. If you want a big dick…following the pattern?

Nutrition

Exercise and steroids are great, but you won’t get anywhere without proper nutrition. From Jillian Michaels to Jeffrey Dahmer there are hundreds of celebrity diet plans out there, and it can be difficult to separate guru from kuru. Below you’ll find some tips for eating healthy.

• Check the Label: Before you eat something, check the label. Don’t eat anything with more than two syllables. Healthy foods are disyllabic at most. Carrot has two syllables. Deep dish stuffed crust meat lover’s pizza has nine.
• Go Green: Foods that are green in color tend to be the healthiest. Eat green foods such as celery, broccoli, and eggs and ham. If you want to eat something that isn’t green, just be patient. Most breads and meats will turn green if you wait long enough.
• The Snack that Smiles Back: When dieting it’s important to have protein packed snacks. That’s why I’ve preached the health benefits of giving blowjobs to every woman I’ve ever dated. Semen is fat free, chalked with protein and you’ll always have some in the house. One Milky Way contains 240 calories and only two grams of protein. One metric splooge of semen contains just 25 calories and five grams of protein. Which one would you rather eat? Semen also makes a great substitute for fattening ingredients like mayonnaise and sour cream. I’ve used semen in my potato salad for years and no one has said a thing.

These tips are wonderful, but remember that to lose weight you must burn calories. I want you to go into your kitchen. Enter the pantry and look the food up and down. Look at the Cheetos, Fritos, and Doritos. The Chips Ahoy, Almond Joy, and Pillsbury Doughboy. Then light a match, and set the pantry ablaze. Let the flames rise and tower over you, reaching heights only extinguishable by trained firefighters. Watch as the junk food, the bane of your weight loss efforts, is incinerated into ash. Congratulations, you just burned thousands of calories. This symbolic action represents the most important part of my Crash Course to living a healthy lifestyle, mindset.

Mindset

A strong mindset is crucial to fitness success. You need to have confidence and perseverance for this Crash Course, because the leap from slob to heartthrob is not an easy one. Statistically speaking, one in every three people that begin my Crash Course die within a month of starting it. A strong mindset means not letting trivial bullshit like that get in the way of success. It’s a scientific fact that 95% of all sports are mental. Usain Bolt is no faster than you or me, but he has extreme confidence and the perfect name for a sprinter, which gives him the mental advantage over everyone else.

Building mental strength is not easy. Try this exercise to build willpower. Next time you go grocery shopping, buy only junk food. Load up on as much cookies, chips, and candy as you can afford. Buy no healthy food, no fruits or vegetables. Nothing but junk can be in your house. Throughout the next week you’ll be faced with a tough choice. Do I want to starve and lose weight, or do I want to cave in and eat junk food? I trust you’ll make the right decision.

Exercise, diet, and mindset are the three pillars of my Crash Course. In writing this, some of you may think I’m just another greedy trainer looking to promote a brand, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I didn’t become a personal trainer because I wanted fame, or money, or because my medical license was revoked in disgrace. I became a personal trainer because when I look around I see so much wasted potential. I want to bring out the best in people. If I can turn just one woman from an overweight cow into a fuckable seven, then I’ve made the world a better place.

To defeat Shao Kahn, simply select Liu Kang and spam bicycle kick repeatedly. When he becomes weak, back off. Keep your distance and alternate low and high fireballs until he dies.

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Elliott Baas is a basement dwelling millennial. His hobbies include chain drinking Mountain Dew, herpetology, and arguing on reddit. He doesn’t have a Twitter account, but if you’d like to follow him he lives in Milwaukee and spends a lot of time wandering aimlessly around the third ward. He does not smoke.