SCRIBES OF THE WORLD CONTEST
ROUND ONE COMMENTS “Lunch of Champions” by User4901
I found a few places where there were lots of unnecessary words. I think a lot of words need to be cut, only leaving the words that move your story along. You have the makings of a good story, just revise so there are fewer words. Hope I’ve helped!
You need to show, don’t tell. Do you know what I mean by that?
Good effort, but not successful.
There’s some very clever writing here, but that’s all it is: clever. Nothing happens, which is usually the case when writers write about writers. I get the impression that the writer is writing about his own limited experience instead of stretching his imagination to tell us a truly compelling story.
Did we read the same story, Acuratedlife? This story is the best of round one. The depiction of the main character is nuanced and funny. Writers ARE such assholes. When he gives his own book to Salman Rushdie at the campus reading? Priceless.
Are you familiar with the Hemingway Editor? A free (for now) online writing tool http://www.hemingwayapp.com/ It finds problems in your story like the overuse of adverbs, run on sentences, comma splices, and passive voice—not that your story had all of these problems. I find that it’s always good to double check for these issues. J
This story is obviously well written from a technical standpoint. However, the situation, device and development of it were cliché and boring. Short stories about writers aren’t interesting; the device has been overdone. The story is flat and technical and reads like a typical MFA story.
I bet this writer is a Park Slope Dope and probably has an MFA. So sick of you artist types and your navel gazing ways. I bet you’ve never done an honest day’s work in your life. This story better not win the $1000.
SCRIBES OF THE WORLD CONTEST
ROUND TWO COMMENTS “Lunch of Champions” by User4901:
I am so tired of stories that lack any sense of goodness or hope. People enjoy happy stories. Why do you have to be so negative? I’d guess that you’re a very unhappy person. Have you tried medication?
Good piece. The main character is compelling and the pacing strong. Only suggestion: Rethink the scene where the writer gives his own novel to Salman Rushdie, I don’t think he’s that clueless. Glasshalffull, come on, stick to the text.
I hate this story. Your main character is a joke and you’re an asshole. I won’t name you, User4901, cause I don’t want my manuscript pulled, but I know your writing and of course you’d write this story.
I know who wrote this, too, HomerDoh. So obvious. It’s no wonder the main character ends up estranged from his kids with only a three-legged-dog to love. He’s almost as big a dick as the author. That man bun?
You got the wrong guy, LeoBloom999. No man bun. Shaved head and a big-ass hipster beard.
YOU definitely have the wrong guy, HomerDoh. This douche nozzle certainly has a man bun.
Doesn’t anyone moderate this site???
This story has no focus or plot. The writer makes the reader figure out what’s being talked about. I don’t want to have to think this much when I’m reading a story.
I enjoyed reading the first four pages. But when the dog loses his leg, the story takes a wrong turn. It’s as if you weren’t sure what your story was about, and you got the notion that it should be about empowerment. Sometimes, we, as writers, have to let the story be what it wants to be. Our grand visions can be the very thing that chokes it off.
Stop writing bad stories and get a real job, User4901. I know your writing—so distinctively pretentious. I want the 800 bucks you’ve owed me for over a year. Not cool. Also, using the dog’s struggle as a metaphor is just stale. You suck. HomerDoh and LeoBloom999—hate to break it to you both, but you both have the wrong guy. No man bun or hipster beard, just a receding hairline. Still a dick though.
Excellent writing. Keep at it.
SCRIBES OF THE WORLD CONTEST
ROUND THREE COMMENTS “Lunch of Champions” by User4901:
It figures you’d write this story. I know it’s you. Even the title is pompous–Lunch of Champions? If Vonnegut were still alive he’d want to shit down your throat. I can’t believe this story made it to the third round. Your bike is still in my basement and if you don’t pick it up by next week I’m selling it. And just for the record Theloglady, Leobloom999, and HomerDoh, you’re all wrong: This asshole is a bald.
Technically brilliant writing, but this story feels emotionally withholding, like the main character.
You should meet the writer.
Next time you go out of town, you weasel, don’t leave our kids with your mother without telling me. You were responsible for them, not her. That’s the arrangement. When you have them on the weekends, YOU have them. Not your mom, and definitely not your neighbor. I’m done trying to settle. See you in court you narcissistic psychopath.
Kids? What a fucking liar.
Like Theloglady, Leobloom999, and HomerDoh, you have the wrong man, Scribble8. This hack isn’t bald, man bunned, bearded, nor does he have a receding hairline. Just regular-middle-aged-dad-in-mid-life-crisis-hair-with-too-much-product-in-it.
Oh Dupedbyadick, I sure wish he had kids. I’m just dying for grandbabies, but my boy just won’t settle down! Honey, if you’re reading this, the dog as metaphor IS stale, but that’s not what I want to talk about. You remember how growing up you used to always ask me why you didn’t look like Dad when all your brothers did? Nevermind, not the place for this. Call me.
AllhailtheBard: This thread for “Lunch of Champions” will be deleted as soon as we figure out how to do so without affecting other threads. We apologize for the nature of some of these comments, as they are not in the spirit of Scribes of the World. “Lunch of Champions” has not been voted on to the fourth and final round, which was 100% by the book and the will of our writer/critics. We here at Scribes of the World know that our all-writer-voted contest is the most rigorous, thorough, fair, and FUN editorial selection process available. Write on, Scribes, write on.
Scribes of the World
Yasmina Din Madden lives in Iowa and has published short stories, flash fiction, and nonfiction in The Masters Review: New Voices, The Idaho Review, Word Riot, Fiction Southeast, Carve, and other journals. Her story “At the Dog Park” was recently shortlisted for The Masters Review Anthology: 10 Best Stories by Emerging Authors. Not only was she a finalist in a hot dog eating contest, she went all the way to the top and won it all.