“Form Apology,” by E. Wilson Young

Mar 2nd, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Friend,

Let me first thank you for coming to my party. We don’t hang out enough, and we should. Sadly, as you may already know, when I get drunk, things that may seem amusing to me at the time reveal themselves, upon sober reflection, to have been in poor taste. With that in mind, and for expediency’s sake, please, fill out and present to yourself this abject apology with my deepest regrets. I look forward to putting this unfortunate business behind us.

I, Will Young, am terribly sorry for (mark as many as needed; if you mark off all of them, shout, “BINGO!” – also, you probably shouldn’t let me drink around you.):

____ Making out with your boyfriend;

____ Making out with your girlfriend;

____ Making out with you;

____ Looking at you inappropriately as though I were thinking of making out with you;

____ Crab walking far too early in the evening;

____ Hounding you over whether you are now, or ever have been, a Communist;

____ Cursing far too much and at the slightest provocation;

____ Insisting that you refer to the party as the Sixth Pillar of Islam;

____ Making up quotes about how great I am and insisting Jonah Lehrer swears it’s a Bob Dylan quote;

____ Referring constantly to Jonathan Franzen as “the Franz;”

____ Talking to you about Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell or my novel;

____ Being a spaz in general

____ Other: ____________________________________________________________

Know that I did not mean to offend and that I treasure our friendship. I am truly sorry for the above-marked offenses.

Hopefully Still Yours,

Will Young
Defenestration-E. Wilson YoungE. Wilson Young graduated from UGA with an English degree and, after trying to get into an MFA program and receiving more rejection letters than schools he applied to, he wound up in Atlanta and has become a fixture of the live lit/storytelling scene there. He’s had short shorts published at Opium magazine—”Dear God, It’s Your-Name-Here”—and The Higgs Weldon—”Comment Card for My Dealer.” He has adventures and throws parties that usually end well.

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