To: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
From: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
Subject: Voicing A Concern
June 5, 2015
Dear Valerie,
I just received your email indicating that you are unable to “move forward” with my piece, “An Activist Prepares: The Theatrics of Social Justice in Contemporary America” which you had previously accepted for publication. I am baffled. As of May, when I first pitched the piece to you, you expressed great interest in publishing it and “couldn’t wait” to hear what I came up with as you thought “the piece is a good fit for us.” (Followed by five exclamation points.) Now, after I have sunk weeks into writing, editing, and fact-checking my work, and have sent you a completed draft, you tell me you are no longer interested. Why is this? Perhaps you should revise your submission guidelines to indicate that not all accepted pitches will be seen through to publication—just a thought. And will I still be compensated for my time? My PayPal account is the same as my email address. I will look for the fifty dollars that was promised to me.
Best,
Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV
Writer, Philosopher, Amateur Fly Fishing Enthusiast
***
To: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
From: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
Subject: re: Voicing A Concern
June 6, 2015
Dear Jacqueline,
I am puzzled by your response. As you know, we are a small publication and are only granted a limited amount of funds every year to dedicate towards paying our contributors. As your piece was not accepted for publication, you are not a contributor. Thus, we will not be sending you the fifty dollars. Feel free to submit again in the coming months.
Best,
Val
***
To: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
From: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
Subject: Seriously?
June 7, 2015
Dear Valerie and/or Val,
I too, am puzzled. If you indeed only have a limited amount of funds to pay those who contribute to your (frankly going downhill fast) publication, then perhaps you should use some of your own money to finance it, or at least set up a crowd-funding site (I would be happy to assist.) You claim to be a women’s site, but by not paying me, you are not supporting women. I am a professional and I expect to be paid for my time. Surely you encountered similar frustrations when you first started writing (which the strength of your writing indicates was not too long ago.) If I wanted to look into other ways of earning fifty dollars, perhaps your recently published piece “Moll Flanders’ Feminist Guide to Prostitution” could be of help—though to be frank the way it was written did not clearly indicate whether or not it was a parody.
All Best,
Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV
Writer, Philosopher, Amateur Fly Fishing Enthusiast
***
To: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
From: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
Subject: Seriously.
June 11, 2015
Dear Jacqueline,
Apologies for the delay in my response. My grandmother passed away and I had to fly home to attend her funeral. I do not, however, understand why you feel entitled to the fifty dollars, and I further fail to understand why you would take the time to submit to a publication that is “going downhill fast.” (I also fail to understand why I am continuing to engage with you—although reading your email aloud to everyone at our teambuilding meeting at Think Coffee today really gave us all a laugh.) However, we have had a successful year, we have grown in readership and have garnered attention for our column “Advice from The Brontë Sisters,” but it is still difficult for us to find advertisers as we are, as you so noted, a women’s site, and thus still subject to a somewhat limited audience (though we are super excited to continue expanding with the addition of our sister site, That’s My Jam! coming this October! Tell your friends!) Thus, we simply cannot afford to pay those whose work is not accepted for publication. I would strongly recommend pitching the piece elsewhere, but as of now it is simply not a good fit for us.
Best,
Val
PS: The piece you mentioned, “Moll Flanders Feminist Guide to Prostitution” was in fact not a parody but rather a satire :)
***
To: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
From: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
Subject: Eggs Benedict
June 12, 2015
Valerie/Val,
I am saddened to hear about your grandmother. Still, I couldn’t help noticing that you did find the time, whilst visiting home, to have a rather extravagant brunch, and to post about it on instagram. (The eggs benedict, I must say, looked delicious.) I find it disheartening at best, and disingenuous at worst, however, that you would prioritize shoving a photo of one of your (from the looks of it recently, many) meals in the face of your 51,300 followers (did you know that Salman Rushdie has 1.06 million?) above responding to the editorial inquiries of contributors (I am a contributor, and will continue to identify myself as such.) I also find it upsetting that you can afford to pay for what, according to the menu, which has helpfully been made public on the restaurant’s website, was no less than a thirty-five dollar brunch (assuming you had at least one Bloody Mary, and, from the looks of the rest of the selfies you posted later that evening, you had at least one); but you cannot afford to pay your contributors the fees clearly owed to them. I too, would liked to have enjoyed such a brunch, but, due to my financial situation, that is clearly out of the question. As to my piece, I struggle to understand how it could be labeled as “not a good fit” when your initial response to my pitch was unmistakably enthusiastic. Perhaps you should refrain from an excessive use of exclamation points and smiley faces if you do not intend to follow through on your promises. As it stands now, such overtures could be construed as being highly problematic, and perhaps a bit anti-feminist.
Best wishes,
Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV
Writer, Philosopher, Amateur Fly Fishing Enthusiast
PS: As to the Moll Flanders piece, whether satire or parody, I found it entirely unreadable.
***
To: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
From: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
Subject: Absolutely The Best Eggs Benedict I Have Ever Eaten
June 13, 2015
To The Order of Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV,
Thank you for your condolences in regards to my grandmother. And yes, the eggs benedict were delicious. Once your financial situation is rectified, I would highly recommend you try them, not that you’d ever have any reason to be in my hometown (and it seems like a flight is out of your budget anyway.) Now, to business. Your piece, as it was submitted to us, was entirely unpublishable. In fact, it was obscene, potentially transphobic, fatphobic, homophobic, cis-centric, racist (both on the level of outright hatred and microagressions) sexist, sizeist, ageist, classist, written from a place of unchecked privilege, anti-Semitic, riddled with Islamophobia, it contained hate speech, was potentially triggering to a large portion of our readers, did not do enough to support the Love Your Body Movement, engaged in victim-blaming, slut-shaming, illustrated your internalized misogyny, and promoted a general sense of unease. Many of us in the office felt unsafe while reading it. As a publication struggling to get on its feet, publishing an article like this would be dangerous to our brand. Additionally, the work constituted the kind of girl-on-girl takedown that we here at The Breakfast Sandwich just don’t support. Speaking of: as to the rather poorly-disguised, snide comment about my weight, I will not respond except to say that from the looks of your Gmail icon, you’re getting along just fine without the fifty dollars to cushion your food budget (and everything else.) *Please note: The opinions expressed in this email do not reflect the official opinion of The Breakfast Sandwich, LLC and are solely personal. They are not meant to be libelous, to incite violence and/or hate speech, and are not representative of the publication as a whole. Any similarities to actual opinions held by editors and contributors are strictly coincidental. *
Have a wonderful weekend,
Val
***
To: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
From: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
Subject: A Startling Discovery Regarding Eggs Benedict
June 19, 2015
Valerie/Val,
We seem to be at an impasse here. I found your comments regarding my piece to be laughable, ignorant, and offensive, a series of words I could also use to describe the omission of the oxford comma and the spelling of the word “too” with an additional “o” when not indicating excessiveness in your latest piece “Mary Shelley’s Halloween Book Club.” Barring these errors, I enjoyed the piece to the extent that I could, being so turned off by your juvenile attitude. Thus, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I contacted the restaurant in your hometown, (Mary Jo and Aunt Sue’s Cozy Kitchen) where you indulged in the extravagant (and apparently delicious) eggs benedict. You are correct in your assumption that I am not currently able to afford a ticket for a flight. Thus, I spoke to the server who waited on you, (since I’m certain you didn’t bother to catch his name, allow me to tell you that it is Matt) by phone. According to Matt, you and your two companions, one male and one female, were impatient, hostile, rude, and demanding. Your party came in ten minutes before brunch was ending, asked to be reseated three times, ordered either with significant substitutions or off the menu entirely, lied about your allergies (you claimed you had a gluten allergy when you wanted to substitute a side salad for a biscuit, but then ordered pancakes after screaming “Come on, my grandmother just died.”). I have also obtained a copy of a photo of your receipt, with the words “I give God ten percent why should you get eighteen?” scrawled on the tipline. Surely, since in your articles you have expressed a discontent with organized religion, in addition to authoring several works on the despicable treatment of the modern waiter, the publication of this photo would no doubt be as damaging to your brand as the publication of my piece. Should you not want this photo to fall into the wrong hands, I suggest you follow through with your obligation to your contributors, as well as extend your apologies to the entire team at Mary Jo And Aunt Sue’s Cozy Kitchen.
Signed,
Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV
Writer, Philosopher, Amateur Fly Fishing Enthusiast
***
To: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
From: accounts@paypal.com
Subject: <no subject>
June 20, 2015
Jacqueline,
Valerie has sent you fifty dollars. Click here to accept the payment and to have the money credited to your account. Message: Thank you for your contribution to the Breakfast Sandwich! Be on the lookout for our sister site, That’s My Jam! launching in October. Tell your friends!
Signed,
Val
***
To: valerie@thebreakfastsandwich.com
From: foucaultsdaughter@gmail.com
Subject: Enthusiastic, Experienced Contributor
June 21, 2015
Valerie/Val,
Thank you for your response. I am interested in contributing to That’s My Jam! Where can I find the submission guidelines?
Best wishes for a pleasant summer!
Jacqueline D’Orsay-Coates IV
Writer, Philosopher, Amateur Fly Fishing Enthusiast
————
Katherine Quinby Stone usually arrives overdressed for the occasion. Her interests include Anna Nicole Smith conspiracy theories and Yiddish Literature. She hopes to one day achieve her months-long dream of killing the mouse in her apartment.