“Disneyland Trip Report by Officer D. Vargas (10/14),” by Todd Sullivan

Jul 15th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

On October 16, 2014, at approximately 0845 hrs, my children: Michael and Chloe Vargas, caucasian juveniles; and wife: Luisa Marquez-Vargas, caucasian female, age withheld, arrived at the Disneyland Theme Park in Anaheim, CA. Upon entering the park, I diverted from our lane of travel to enter the Jolly Holiday Refreshment Corner with the objective of obtaining a bottle of water. I secured the water bottle in exchange for six dollars. I stated to the purveyor that six dollars seemed “a small price to pay for a basic human necessity.” The purveyor did not appear to detect the playful satirical tone of my comment.

At this time, Michael and Chloe Vargas stated a desire to experience the Dumbo the Flying Elephant Ride attraction. We proceeded on foot towards the Fantasyland section of the park. I stated to Marquez-Vargas that the temperature was ‘hotter than a witch’s tit.’ Marquez-Vargas stated that the conventional phrasing of the idiom was ‘colder than a witch’s tit.’ I stated to Marquez-Vargas that according to my 9th grade history teacher, Mrs. B. Davis, female, indeterminate ethnicity, approximately 100 years old, that throughout history many women thought to be of low moral character were often accused of witchcraft. Therefore, I deduced that a witch’s tit was more likely to be considered warm than cold. Marquez-Vargas proceeded to shush me and instructed me to ‘drop it’ due to the topic not being suitable for our current location and gathered company, i.e. tons of juveniles.

Upon entering the Fantasyland section of the park, a costumed female, approximately 25 years old, who’s likeness I recognized from storybook and screen as belonging to Snow White’s ‘Evil Stepmother’ (a witch) appeared in our vicinity. The woman’s comely, fair complexion and tight black corseted dress provided me with further evidence that the idiom was likely to be ‘hotter than a witch’s tit.’ The juveniles experienced the Dumbo the Flying Elephant Ride attraction two times.

Upon returning to our stroller, I could not sight my recently purchased bottle of water. A hasty surveil of the stroller and surrounding environs confirmed that the bottle was missing. I proceeded on foot to Geppetto’s Toy Shop and Refreshment Counter to obtain a replacement water bottle. The shop purveyor, Italian male, 60 years old, informed me that the price of the water bottle was upwards of seven dollars. I accused the purveyor of committing the crime of “highway robbery.” The purveyor did not appreciate my playfully satirical tone and stated that if I had a problem, I should “take it up with management.” I instructed the purveyor “not to worry” since being “a greedy asshat” is not a crime under current California statute.

At approximately 1125 hrs, we proceeded on foot to the Tomorrowland section of the park, but were unable to locate the entrance. I detained and questioned a caucasian male named Tom, 40s. During contact with Tom, he revealed himself to be an expert on park geography. A brief surveil revealed Tom to be attending the theme park by himself, without juvenile accompaniment. After excusing myself, I swung by the Disneyland Security Office to gave them a full description of Tom. The Security Officer informed me that numerous adult males attend Disneyland without the accompaniment of juveniles. He referred to these individuals as ‘super-fans.’ “Fans of what?” I inquired, “lines?”

At 1300 hrs, we proceeded on foot to the Storyteller’s Café restaurant. At this location, we encountered 2 humorous bears, 1 raccoon, and an unknown quantity of chipmunks. Both Michael and Chloe Vargas reacted to the gigantic furry animals with tears and screams. The efforts of the costumed animals to allay the juvenile’s fears only served to exacerbate their terror. At 1155hrs, I obtained a Cobb Salad from Server Ryan, an Asian male, approximately 25.

At 1320 hrs, a comely, white-haired caucasian female, responding to the alias of Elsa, entered the restaurant. The appearance of Elsa caused a commotion amongst the juvenile female patrons of the restaurant. At this time, Marquez-Vargas put forward the accusation that I was “gawking” at the “ice witch.” Marquez-Vargas stated that she “had no idea (I) had such a hard-on for witches.” I stated that I merely appreciated that the actress portraying the Princess Elsa had a stunning likeness to her animated counterpart. Marquez-Vargas exited the restaurant at a high rate of speed. I gathered both Vargas juveniles and their coloring books and iPads and stroller without assistance.

At 1650 hrs, I escorted the Vargas family to the Main Street section of the park to wait for the commencement of Mickey’s Electric Light Parade. I assumed a solid parallel foot stance to prevent other civilians from encroaching on the Vargas family’s position.

Upon the parade’s commencement, I averted my gaze away from any comely female cast members as to not provoke further jibes from Marquez-Vargas. An ocean themed float proceeded down the avenue. Atop the float was a corpulent, tentacled, blue sea-witch. I made a great show of how I found the appearance of the sea-witch to be repulsive. I informed the nearby juveniles, loudly, within earshot of Marquez-Vargas, that if anyone was under the impression that witches were comely, this tentacled monstrosity would certainly disabuse them of that notion. Marquez-Vargas instructed me to “put a cork in it.”

At the parade’s conclusion, the juveniles were happy, the heat had broken and the twilight sky had turned a beautiful salmon color. As we proceeded on foot towards the South exit of the park, Marquez-Vargas placed her head on my shoulder. Marquez-Vargas informed me that I was her “goofy witch perv.” I detected her playfully satirical tone.

A solid 4 out of 5 stars. Would visit again.

Defenestration-Generic Male 02Todd Sullivan is a Los Angeles-based writer and filmmaker. He has been stung by hundreds of bees. Twitter: @ToddDSullivan

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