Thanks for buying my e-book, How to Get Your Humor Published! It’s always great to meet a fellow writer. Getting published is easy; all it takes is a little jar of elbow grease, this e-book and a computer.
Like me, I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over again: “The only way to become a great writer is to keep writing” or “there are no shortcuts in life” or “you can’t be a writer, you’re helplessly illiterate.” I assure you, these are nothing but ludicrous things parents tell their children before bed and after college.
You have access to a thesaurus and a checking account, there’s no reason your humor shouldn’t be published. I bet you have a whole list of ideas in your head but you just haven’t found the time to put them up on screen. It’s very important to not to beat yourself up about being unpublished; it’ll give you writer’s block and, if you’re an especially strong writer, a black eye. After all, you’re holding down a job and trying to get through your Netflix Instant Queue. Writing should be a hobby, nothing more.
How can I be so casual about becoming a successful author? Why, it’s because I’ve unlocked the secrets to getting your humor published for you! I unlocked them from my brain closet so I could present them to you in this easy to follow, step-by-step e-book.
Step 1: March into the bathroom, look in the mirror and say, “I’m funny. I’m funny and interesting and good looking enough to be a published author.”
Congratulations, you’ve just overcome the hardest part of the writing process: embracing both your brilliance and your lazy eye in one sentence.
Step 2: Dust off that laptop and get comfortable. You’re funny and it’s about time everyone knew it.
Step 3: Get a snack.
Step 4: Get comfy, again.
Step 4-7: Compose tweet about being a writer, look at your ex’s profile pictures on Facebook, inhale while thinking about how no one gets you, exhale.
Step 8: Time to start writing, sort of! The eighth most important step to getting published is choosing a subject. Spoiler Alert: I strongly encourage you to write about a semi-famous academic. The reason for this is because people love funny things that are only funny to a relatively small group of people, it’s known as “intimate humor.” (“Intimate humor” is a term I made up and a term you just told yourself that you knew prior to reading this book. Published Author-1, Unpublished Scoundral-0). If you find yourself drawing a blank, pull out your Lit 201 syllabus – yep, that one – and pick an author.
O’Connor? Too mainstream.
Joyce? Too drunk.
Kafka? Fucking Yahtzee™.
Step 8: I hate to break it to you, although it’s eighth in terms of importance, selecting a subject is one of the easiest parts of being a writer, second only to getting comfortable the second time. Now that you’ve selected a subject, Kafka, you must choose action.
Step 9: Not so fast! The powers that be aren’t going to accept your Joe Schmo, half-baked Kafka essay. This is where your uniquely hilarious perspective on the world comes in handy, so follow my instructions closely: Kafka must to be doing something that Kafka would’ve never done. That being said, I’m not talking about wig making or not being schizophrenic, I’m talking about things it would’ve been impossible for Kafka to do. Modern things. This is what the learned call “juxtaposition.”
Step 10: Put the dictionary down. The only thing you need to know about juxtapositions is that they’re infinite and will split many a-side.
Step 9 (cont.): Kafka is on MySpace, Kafka is riding a John Deer, Kafka is hosting the Emmy’s. The list goes on and on, one gut busting combination after another. The hilarious part being that HE WOULD’VE NEEDED A TIME MACHINE TO DO ANY OF THESE! It should be noted the crazier the juxtaposition, the better. Just below that note, it should also be noted that Kafka must still act like Kafka, regardless of action or time period. Trust me, even if it’s totally incoherent drivel, people will pretend to get it. Kafka is the spokesperson for Lipitor.
Step 12: Write! I’ve given you the tools, but only you can put fingers to the keyboard. And since you’re the only one who bought my e-book, all four of the ideas I’ve provided are up for grabs! Kafka plays the character “Franzie” on Happy Days. That’s five!
Step 11: Casually mention to everyone you know that you’re a writer. After all, why be a writer if no one else knows about it?
EDITOR’S NOTE: If you follow these eleven steps and your humor still isn’t published, don’t sweat it! No one gets published the first time, or even the hundredth time. Keep reading, keep writing and you’ll eventually find your voice through my e-book. Plus, you’ll be automatically registered to receive a free copy of my new e-book: How to Start a Blog.
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Dan Rozier lives/works/eats/sleeps and separates verbs with slashes in Cincinnati, Ohio. He tweets at @barf_city, which isn’t a city at all, but a Twitter handle.