“Taking Sexy Back: Fashion Tips For Crime Fighters from the Law and Order SVU Team”, by Kelly Kathleen Ferguson

Oct 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

We admit fighting crime is a tough job. Everyday some Park Avenue housewife strangles her plumber with a cock ring. You’re tired, you say, and your focus is on solving cases, not Seventh Avenue. Your dedication is to be admired, but that doesn’t excuse the polyester suit with dried mayo on the lapel.

Sorry boys, the polyester doughboy look is out. Take Det. Eliot Stabler. He’s transformed the thinning hair dad gig into a meow-fest. Remember Season V Episode vii? Sure, it was late. 3 AM as we recall. Stabler was called in to investigate a cheerleader sodomized by an Anthrax-infested spirit stick. Now, he coulda just thrown on some old sweatpants, but no, he hit that crime scene in slim-cut jeans and a slinky sports-jacket. Nice clean shave; casual, but not sloppy. No time, you say? We don’t mean to sound callous, but you can’t unsodomize someone. You might as well take that extra minute to accessorize.

We admit the job requires pragmatic considerations. We’ll never forget the (only!) time Det. Olivia Benson wore that white Victorian gown to a dominatrix bust. Even the great ones make mistakes, and we have to say, it was sad to watch a tough investigator dressed for a tea party. When Benson pursued Mistress Sultana down the fire escape, her skirt caught and ripped. There went $500 worth of hand-tatted lace and let’s not talk about what happened at the morgue later when Dr. Tamara Tunie M.E. fired up that Stryker saw.

Okay, so pastels and whites are out for obvious reasons. Stick with your muted tones: bruise, cremain, exit wound maroon and charred femur. Not only does the Goth palette absorb the stains, it creates the right mood. Mysterious. Down to business. Deep. You might think just because the hues are dim that the look is weak. So not true. Think texture! Think layering! And fit. You wouldn’t believe the heat generated from a tailored shirt that hugs your sweet bod like Det. Odafin “Fin” Tutuola on the tail of a necrophiliac. Hot isn’t always a crotchless red leather pantsuit. That Frederick’s of Hollywood stuff is strictly amateur. (Not to say we’re anti-leather).

We’re guessing about now you feel inspired. Go ahead, next arrest don slacks with an undisclosed percentage of Lycra. Bend down slowly as you examine that piece of evidence on the ground, and don’t forget to pause for a searing gaze on the horizon. Yeah, that’s right. Everyone is checking you out, too. And one more thing, lose the athletic shoes. Boots are great way to look snazzy while you keep the pant cuffs out of blood pools. They clack with sass across those courtroom tiles, and come in handy if you need to kick a child pornographer in the face.

Ready to take sexy back? Get out your pencil and take this little SVU Fashion Quiz.

1) A prostate is found in a mailbox. You show up to investigate in: a) Your hot little polka dot chiffon number b) LL Bean whale pants and a dickie c) A tight gray shirt and black trench coat.

2) Time for the arrest! You shove the perp against the car in your: a) Mohair poncho b) Parachute pants and one sequined glove c) Skinny jeans, snug ribbed tee and calf-length riding boots.

3) The interrogation room is steaming up. A eight-year old pimp has been whoring his playgroup, but he won’t tell. The punk looks at you and sees: a) The lost member of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band b) An aging frat boy in a peach button-down c) A law enforcer filling out a pair of worsted trousers with such conviction the little creep’s got to confess.

Now that you’ve read your fashion rights, go clean up the streets and kick some couture ass.


Defenestration-Generic Female 01Kelly Kathleen Ferguson is the living reincarnation of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Her interests include freshly churned butter, poke bonnets and wild black ponies.

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