Listen kid, I’ve been in this business since 1927. You don’t publish 400 Hardy Boys books and not learn a little something about the writing game. The only person who’s been at this thing as long as I have is Carolynn Keene and if you’ve ever read one of her Nancy Drew mysteries you know what a no-talent hack she is. But I digress. You wanna learn how to be a writer. And what with all these overpriced liberal arts schools crapping out second-rate writers left and right these days, you’re not alone. You’re gonna need a leg up.

An important part of any home owner’s life, once having slaved away to obtain a four walled domain, is of course to then leave in search of relaxation.

There is of course much for homeowner’s to be concerned about in their absence. Luckily with preparation one can avoid concerns such as infestations of the larger breed of flying Squa or the unfortunate effects of Cannibal Jam-Rot on unattended wooden floorboards, simply by appointing a house sitter.

Choosing the appropriate character to occupy your domain in your absence is an extremely tricky and exceptionally important part of the process.

Martha My Dear,

Hello little girl. I don’t want to spoil the party, but I want to tell you something. You like me too much. You can’t do that because everybody’s trying to be my baby. Slow down. Dig it? Let it be.

SIDE A
1. Hard rockin’ statement of intent
2. Slightly less rockin’ followup
3. Style/tempo shift to inform fans/critics that you aren’t a one-trick pony
4. Get back on your one-trick pony
5. Mid-tempo ballad/mini-epic (depending on available space)

Dear CBS:

You’re probably wondering why there are numerous dots instead of a noun at the beginning of the title. It’s because I couldn’t think of a catchy, yet comprehensive name for this. I was originally going to call it ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things, Still’ but the world has apparently changed. It seems a middle aged man with a tape recorder and a camera can’t just ‘borrow’ children off the street without all sorts of kerfuffle and pepper spray. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have tried to use that van for interviewing the tots. America, sadly, has lost its innocence.