Prose

Staked Through the Heart and You’re Too Late: Anne Rice Gives Jesus a Bad Name

Dec 20th, 2005 | By

So. Anne Rice found Jesus. I thought I had him securely locked up in my kitchen cupboard, but I guess he got out. He and Anne took off and went to the Holy Land. Yeah, Utah. He and Anne found a Starbucks and over some Pumpkin Lattes, which tasted like bread from the Eucharist (translation:

[continue reading…]



Ritchie Rich: Nicole Ritchie holds up a mirror to her world, and a lot of cocaine falls off.

Nov 20th, 2005 | By

When I first picked up Nicole Ritchie’s The Truth About Diamonds, I assumed Ritchie would tell a tale about a tropical mining adventure as she searches for “adamas.” The book would reach its climatic end soon after Ritchie perishes in a deliciously horrible mine shaft fire. But after reading the first few pages of Ritchie’s book,

[continue reading…]



ERAGON: a Rondo

Sep 20th, 2005 | By

I. dusk streaks the sky in pink, like a pervert. speaking thus of perverts: paolini. he and his dragon lass seek the evil galbatorix, scourge of over-the-counter laxatives in many a foreign land. “his vocabulary is so large!” the reporter cries, a bard in the desert. the biggest word used by the hero: “wonderful.” you

[continue reading…]



The Historian: The Secretive Secret Secret-Keeper

Jul 20th, 2005 | By

I enjoyed reading The Historian as much as I enjoy being called “ma’am” by the bag boy at the supermarket. After taking pages and pages of copious notes on the text, I thought it best to simply bring a sample of the book to your attention so that you can come to a conclusion on this

[continue reading…]



Jung Out to Dry: What Demon Are You? (Very Scientific)

Oct 20th, 2004 | By

In honor of Halloween, press some freshly popped eyeballs to the computer screen and discover what demon really encompasses your personality! It’s like Cosmo, but it won’t give you herpes—not unless you ask nicely. You like: A) Calling your lawyer. B) To defecate in the food of a certain hero whose name rhymes with “Drinks

[continue reading…]