Jung Out to Dry: What Demon Are You? (Very Scientific)

Oct 20th, 2004 | By | Category: Prose

In honor of Halloween, press some freshly popped eyeballs to the computer screen and discover what demon really encompasses your personality! It’s like Cosmo, but it won’t give you herpes—not unless you ask nicely.

You like:

A) Calling your lawyer.

B) To defecate in the food of a certain hero whose name rhymes with “Drinks to much Gin-eus.”

C) Ass-raping.

D) Sarah Mclachlan.

People think:

A) You’re intense.

B) You’re getting a little chunky around the flank. But your scapulars look great!

C) You need to lay off the ass raping.

D) It wasn’t fair that your first husband took Paradise and the Escalade and all you got was a lousy t-shirt.

You love:

A) Hot Pants—on women! Yeah, that’s the story I’m sticking to.

B) My sisters. Except when they regurgitate sailors’ intestines. I always have to clean up.

C) Ass-raping? Seriously, this is getting tedious.

D) Mittens. There’s nothing wrong with a 4,005 woman living alone with her cat!

What’s a guilty pleasure of yours?

A) My Dorothy costume from Wizard of Oz.

B) Worms! They’re high in protein.

C) Samuel Beckett. Out of the three stoic comedians I enjoy him the most. His stain upon silence is like my stain—on a Zanzibar couple’s bedspread.

D) Golden Girls.

If you had to pick a specific career, what would it be?

A) Sniper.

B) Zoologist.

C) Rectal Examiner. Or a Carpenter. So I can hammer that ass baby! Yeah, I got you there didn’t I?

D) Women’s Rights Lawyer.

Your ideal mate is:

A) Hugh Jackman. Whoops…

B) Delicious.

C) Comatose.

D) A freshly microwaved package of Lean Cuisine. Muffin and I need no man!

Be honest. What’s your worst quality?

A) That people are too glib. See that? I turned the question around there! People need to realize their own faults before they focus on my own. Of which I have none.

B) I molt a lot.

C) I’m a little anal-retentive. Ha!

D) That I’m a child-eating succubus. But I believe in a woman’s right to choose—whether or not to have Little Mattie’s tender thigh smoked or roasted.

What do you look for in a relationship?

A) Someone willing to sign the waiver.

B) Scurvy. If he has that I throw him back in the ocean.

C) The back of someone’s head.

D) A man to rub the corns on my feet. Was that too gross?

Scroll it baby!

Scroll it like you mean it!

Scroll it like Christmas!

If you answered mostly A’s you are:

Tom Cruise: Like a light bulb fixture from Pier One, you are handsome and electric. As a demon, you use these qualities to part the seas to find your flock of followers so you can lead them into the fiery hells of a matinee viewing of your three worst films: Losin’ It, Far and Away and War of the Worlds. Yet while many might find your vivacious personality endearing—some might find your passion in your message, and yourself—frightening. You don’t just have veneers on your teeth, you have veneers on your soul. Tommy, what are you hiding? You need to own that secret and show it off like that neon BeDazzled jumpsuit you have hiding in your walk-in cedar closet. Come on! Wear it and wing it baby!

If you answered mostly B’s you are:

Aello (harpy): You’re not the prettiest of your sisters (we all know Ocypete has the better rack), and you make up for your insecurity by having a big heart—and if that’s not available it’s easy to rip one out from the nearest sailor. So while you hide behind this mask of warts, bulging varicose veins, cystic acne and snot—oh, that’s not a mask? Daaaaammmmnnnnn you’re ugly!

If you answered mostly C’s you are:

Popo Bawa: Some people might say you like sex a little too much. Also you’re not that much to look at what with the claws and the bat wings and that pungent smell (lay off the cheap cologne. Please!). While molesting the nearest mango farmer might give you instant gratification, you need to look at the bigger picture. Where does Popo Bawa want to be in the long run? Consider investing more time in your inter-personal relationships or a 401k when you just tire of all that late night dry humping. Try taking some art or poetry classes and attempt to ease up on all those nights of meaningless butt sex. It might not help the hemorrhoid market, but you’ll come out a better, more well-rounded demon in the end.

If you answered mostly D’s you are:

Lilith: You know, having a cause is great—and believing strongly in that cause is even better. But what about Lilith? While you take hours typing up your “Men Can Change—Except Philistines!” campaign brochures and often toll away over a hot stove baking delicious chocolate chip cookies for your WWEB (Women Who Eat Babies) group meetings, you’ve forgotten the thousand year old Woman Who Wanted To Be On Top turned Demon turned Rossetti Muse turned 90s Pop Culture Reference in that Tour That Featured Paula Cole and Remember When She Didn’t Shave Her Armpits That Was Pretty Gross.

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