Jesus Christ Superstar turns fifty-six this year, and boy do I have a proposition for you. Friends still waiting on the rapture, I hear you. Gabriel’s gonna blow that trumpet any day now. But what if we got something even better? What if, instead of Jesus H. Himself on the back of a white pony, with a double-edged sword in His mouth, we got a remake of the rock opera that made Him famous in the first place? And how about—get this—we reimagine the Gospel as an underwater odyssey with actual rock music? Don’t pretend you’ve never wondered how much edgier and heavier Superstar could have been if it had been made, like, seven years later. Not only will spreading the Good News via subversive beats and subtle fish metaphors analogize the beating of Christ and feeding of the five thousand, which everyone knows is Jesus’ most famous miracle, but it’s also the perfect way to show Disney that everyone’s fucking tired of seeing shit on ice. Friends, it’s time to get off Instagram and start drafting those emails to Andrew Lloyd Weber, your pastor, and your favorite rock musicians. Jesus Christ Superstarfish is long overdue.
But hold on, you’re saying. Who should we contact? Who the hell is going to take on these roles? Ask, and you shall receive answers.
Tobias Forge of the Swedish not-so-metal band Ghost will suit up as a moray eel and play Satan, who, probably for stupid Satanic panic reasons, wasn’t in the original musical. Ghost has been singing Satanic hymns since the early 2000s, so Forge is the obvious choice. Kerry King of Slayer and Rob Zombie could also be contenders, but Forge is younger, sexier and way, way better at dancing. And Ghost is super into cosplay. Just check out their latest getups, which include skulls and wings and shit. Perfect! Also, eels are easily the most Satanic things that live in the ocean besides sea snakes, but—come on—that’s just on the nose.
Judas Iscariot should, of course, be played by Rob Halford of Judas Priest, dressed as a seahorse. Rob’s great. He’s bald, bearded, and has a lightning bolt on his head. He named his band after Judas, and as one of the first openly gay metal musicians, he’s received a lot of hate he didn’t deserve—just like Judas. Also, Rob’s falsetto can crack the Judas window instead of opening it, so he’s a win-win. Why the seahorse, you ask? Because it’s the closest thing we’ve got to an underwater motorcycle, dipshit.
Axl Rose of Guns N’Roses should play Peter because he denies everything. Just ask Axl and you’ll get what I’m talking about. Plus, I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of a free pass to disfigure someone like Peter did to that one guy’s ear. My vote is to cast him as a reef shark, but that’s just a suggestion.
The best person to play Mary Magdalene is Sydney Sweeney, who’s already proven how great a mistress she can be in The Housemaid and will probably release her first record soon because that karaoke cover of Adele last year was hot shit. Just wait for it. Ideally, Sydney’ll wear a medusa jellyfish outfit for this role—tentacles symbolize seduction, you know—but a sea anemone, giant squid, or nautilus could work, as well. Sweeney, as a mother clam, can also play Mary the mother of Jesus since she’s so goddamn popular right now.
There’s no hard-and-fast choice for Pontius Pilate, but I vote Maynard James Keenan of A Perfect Circle, Puscifer, and Tool, with octopus legs to match the cover of the 2018 album Eat the Elephant. MJK has had JC in his sights for a while now—just read his memoir or listen to, like, two of his songs—so he’s the perfect person to oversee (oversea? undersea?) the crucifixion. He also makes wine, which obviously stains his hands red, which obviously makes him wash his hands a lot, which makes him a great choice for Pilate.
When it comes to King Herod, I’m for rolling out a wheelchair puppet of Ozzy Osbourne mocked up as a blue whale. Too soon? Get over yourself. It’s been eight fucking months. Also, blue whales are to the ocean what lions are to the jungle and Jesus is to Heaven, so this is a way to respect Ozzy’s memory. Unless you’d prefer a great white shark?
As for Jesus Christ Superstarfish Himself… it’s a toss up, and honestly, we may need some Council-of-Nicea-grade divine intervention for this one. My belief is that Jesus should be played by either the actor Russel Brand or Dave Mustaine of Megadeth. I know, I know: you want Tim Lambesis of As I Lay Dying because—duh—Lambesis is a fucking martyr and clearly walks the walk. But hear me out. Lambesis is busy. He’s got to rebuild his band after all the other members apostatized. He’s also looking for a new wife. But Mustaine has just released his last album, so he’s good to go. Plus, the whole reason he’s calling it quits on Megadeth is because he’s got hand problems that make it difficult to nail the guitar like he used to. And didn’t the nails go into Jesus’ hands, too? See the parallels? Exactly. Russell Brand, on the other hand, has the Jesus beard already and is caught up in legal battles for sexual deviancy, which is a perfect analogy to what Jesus actually went through when He was tried and executed by the Romans. Both of these guys really love the Lord and have a strong heart for missions, so either one would do a great job playing the Savior.
Friends, Easter’s less than a year away. Let’s dye some eggs, place some calls, and make Jesus Christ Superstarfish a reality to eclipse the Second Coming of Christ. And quick—before all the other great rock musicians die and go to Heaven.
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Colin Bishoff lives and writes in Hull, Georgia (population 200). He has an MFA in fiction writing from Georgia College and State University. His work has recently been published or accepted in failbetter, Vast Chasm Magazine, the Southern Review of Books, and elsewhere. He’s super into monotremes, doesn’t clutch pearls, and occasionally runs from non-satanic farm goats.