Coming to a theatre near you—as soon as the anti-woke, “Christian,” misogynistic armchair critics finish tanking the ratings and forcing the cast members to quit showbiz!
Snow White 2: Most Popular of Them All
Spotting the first wrinkles and age spots in her reflection, Snow White hunts down the Magic Mirror to discover how to rewrite the kingdom’s beauty standards, emphasizing a focus on gray hair in older women.
Sleeping Beauty 2: I Saw You Once Upon a Lawsuit
A year after her curse and on the eve of her wedding, Aurora sits down with the three fairies to question the legitimacy of remaining in a relationship with a man who fondled her in her sleep.
Pinocchio 2: I Wish I Were a Vaccinated Boy
Influenced by a constant barrage of social media posts laced with misinformation, Pinocchio begins uncontrollably repeating the lies, prompting the Blue Fairy to transform him from a human boy to a tangle of climbing ivy.
Brave 2: Gender Be Changed
King Fergus passes away, leaving Merida to take his place and prompting her to lean even more heavily into archery while also daring to wear trousers instead of dresses, causing the Clans to suspect her of asking the Bear Witch to transform her into a man.
Big Hero 6 II: Baymax Meets Medicare
Overwhelmed by the constant demand for his medical services, Baymax undertakes a comprehensive review of health insurance policies, resulting in a reprogramming of his system to categorize injuries and conditions into tiers with individual pricing, pre-existing condition exemptions, and uncovered diagnoses.
Zootopia 3: Extinction
Taking on a new ZPD case, Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde stumble upon a secret laboratory conducting unapproved tests on primates, transforming the apes into wasteful, lazy, quick-to-fury agents of destruction bent on eliminating the other citizens of Zootopia.
Ralph vs. AI (Wreck-It Ralph 3)
Via the internet connection, Litwak’s Arcade is invaded and infected by generative AI, replacing the graphics in every game and erasing the characters’ personalities in favor of repetitive slogans culled from 1980s slang.
Monsters, Inc. 3: The Ransom of Boo
Twenty years after the first movie, Sully and Mike confront a new threat: a rival company harvesting adult screams as the ultimate form of Scream Energy, unaware of the environmental consequences of processing such rich power or the relation of a particular young adult to the Monsters, Inc. duo.
Jungle Book 3: Be a Man
Faced with the rapid constriction of the jungle courtesy of rainforest deforestation projects, Bagheera and Baloo struggle to teach Mowgli what it means to be a male human in the modern world, with only destruction-oriented, alpha-male construction workers as examples.
Peter Pan 4: The Curious Case of Wendy Darling
Fed up with the restrictions of Edwardian standards for women, Wendy persuades Tinkerbell to smuggle her into Neverland where she recruits Tigerlily and the mermaids to her cause, setting up direct competition for the Lost Boys.
Lilo & Stitch 4: Order 66
Returned to the dog pound following a particularly destructive prank that leaves Lilo ousted from her foster home, Stitch escapes and rendezvouses with his fellow 625 “failed” experiments to implement the destruction of Earth.
Cars 4: A Farewell to Cars
Lightning McQueen is declared a total loss following an accident during yet another attempt to join the racing circuit, forcing Mater to tow McQueen to the Dump for parts reclamation and crushing.
Cinderella 4: The Broken Slipper
Suffering PTSD breakdowns every time she sees a broom or mop, Cinderella brings Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drisella to court on charges of abuse, insisting they pay for her much-needed therapy, as well as compensating her for the loss of her shattered glass slippers.
Lion King 5: No More Hakuna Matata
An aging Simba is hunted and slaughtered by poachers, leaving his twenty sons and daughters, led by Timon and Pumbaa, to hunt down the fiends and exact revenge.
Toy Story 23: Sid’s Revenge
Finally fed up with the way Andy, Bonnie, and twelve other children chose one over the other, Woody and Buzz Lightyear engage in a furious battle, leaving nothing but broken pieces behind that Sid collects from the Dump and fuses together, resulting in a space cowboy abomination for his son.
Frozen 42: Let It Go Already
After years of listening to her sister bemoan her treatment at the hands of their parents and the ignorant kingdom, Anna engages the assistance of the Trolls to trap Elsa within an ice prison until she resolves her childhood trauma.
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Andria Kennedy proudly holds the titles of autistic, OCD, Grey-ACE, and fibro warrior. Oh, yeah—and writer and artist. Andria’s essays have appeared in PS, The Strategist, Electric Lit, HuffPost Personal, and others.