Pass the grissini and listen carefully…

Right now I’m the only person who matters in your world, understand?

Not your wife, Meredith. Not your son, Dylan. Not your part-time server, Anushka, who you found on Nextdoor and pay five bucks an hour plus tips—nice touch, transferring the cost to your guests in a passive aggressive masquerading as a virtue kinda way. Cute. Super-millennial. Where was I..? Oh yes! Not weird uncle Fred with the Pokémon phone case. Not the karaoke guy. ME. I am your world. Your Alpha. Your Omega. Your beginning, your end—Is that fresh-cut ginger in the spritzer…? Pomelo, too? It’s rather good. Did you consider putting an aromatic in there?

Yep. Cardamom would be nice.

Now we’re gonna play a little game you and me… First, pass the cheese boat.

There’s two types of people in this world, Kemosabe: The kind who tell people to put the Dr Karg’s pumpkin seed crackers on their plate and those who actually put the crackers onto the plate.

Yes, I’m asking you to put those crackers on my plate.

Tongs! Use tongs, dammit! I don’t care if they’re on the charcuterie board! Pick those bad boys up, take a breath, aim, squeeze slow… Good, see what you can do when you focus on my commands…? Ease up buddy, you’re gonna break the crust.

Now tell me about the dip: is the spinach organic?

Do NOT play for time! Did I ask about the Himalayan salt or the cold-pressed olive oil? I asked about one thing: spinach. Dioecious plant; family Chenopodiaceae. Iron-rich. Eaten raw, steamed, sometimes fried in butter. Oil too, if you really want to mix it up try some yuzu…

So let’s up the ante on our little game, shall we? A new trick I came up with, just for you… Called ‘dip the toasted focaccia in the balsamic infusion’. Pour that bad boy in the ramekin, stir well. A bit more. Go ahead. Break the oil.

Now I’ll tell you a story… The Scorpion and the Frog. What? You heard it before? In ‘The Crying Game’? Yeah—I know the twist! Okay… Let me tell you how I got my scars… Wassat? ‘The Dark Knight’? ALRIGHT… I bet you don’t know the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled… Uh-huh. He made us all believe he doesn’t exist. That’s right.

Listen, no one likes a smart ass.

Now let’s try the guac, shall we?

Did you know that if you decode the first 15 chapters of the Book of Revelation, taking the second syllable from every third line of the prime numbered verses and cross-check them with the horizontal zero points of the foreshortened features in each of the twelve characters of Leonardo’s Last Supper… You will discover a terrific guacamole recipe.

Why are you looking around? Who do you think’s going to help you now, Captain America? Your son Dylan, cute little Dylan… Busy with his Lego set. A 2000 piece construction kit of Hogwarts. Yep, I walked in on him, looking for the powder room. Helped him finish up the Quiddich ring. There’s still two more towers and a dragon to go on that bad boy, so you won’t be seeing Dylan for a while.

Do NOT attempt to leave my presence! I haven’t told you want I want from you yet. What do I want from you? This is…

Is that a fondue bowl? Mmm. Tastes like… Emmenthal, Gruyere? Maybe a dash of aged cheddar? Jesus, that goes great with the ancient grain sourdough.

Okay. So, this is what I want… Listen carefully or you will enter a world of pain the Lord on high, Jesus Christ and the host of heaven in their fullest glory could not save you from. By the way, you got crumbs on your lip.

Tonight, you will go to work just like any other day. You will park in Lot D, section 32 like always. You will ask Wayne behind the desk how his kids are and talk about the Mets season. You will proceed to your office but tonight… You’ll keep walking. All the way to the mainframe control center where you will proceed to deactivate all 15 magnetic sensors in the plutonium enrichment chamber—

What?

You don’t work at the White Peaks nuclear research laboratory..?

Best Buy?

Regional sales manag—

Do NOT play games with me! Earl Mason Jones of 2343 Westlake Drive—

Westlake Avenue? Not Drive? I thought it was Drive.

Mm-hm.

Yep. That’s what I told the Uber driver.

Uh-huh. I see that now.

Hey… How about a refill. Another glass of the Chardonnay? If you got it.

Godammit godammit godammit! Jurgen pinned the wrong address again…! Where’s the stupid wifi here?

Let’s see… What’s behind this door?

Aaaaaaaah.

Little Dylan with your Lego set… Hello again,

Now it’s showtime.

————

Olly Blackburn is the filmmaker behind cult movies Donkey Punch, Kristy, and that commercial with babies pooping in slow motion to the 2001 song. He’s been a journalist, a copywriter, and a sprinkler factory assembly worker, and he’s not bad at cooking potatoes. His writing has previously appeared in Points in Case, The Haven, and The Washington Boast.