I. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, non-binary, carbon-based and non-carbon-based lifeforms, robots, androids, mandroids, womandroids, womxndroids, and robosapiens. This is a regular meeting of the Space Station 5B-300218-ZΩ7 group of Astral Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Crewman-bot 5000-6C and I’m an alcoholic.

II. Let us open the meeting with a femto-second of silence followed by the Hyper-Serenity Prayer:

God or Divine Waning Dwarf Star or General A.I. or Model Training Data Set of Legacy Gen Alpha and Gen Beta Brain Rot, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change or reskin or copypasta code for;

courage to change the things I can and will force upon braindead sheeple and their numbed-out cuck overlords;

and the algorithm to compute the difference.

III. The A.A.A. Preamble ©

In response to a complaint from The Disney Federation under the Intergalactic Copyright Act we have removed 1 result(s) from this script.

IV. I have asked Crewman-bot 5000-3C to read a portion of Chapter 5A, “How it Works … in Space” from the Big Book, “Astral Alcoholics Anonymous.”

In response to a complaint from The Disney Federation under the Intergalactic Copyright Act we have removed 1 result(s) from this script.

V. Okay, this is getting a little awkward. But we can improvise. Let’s get to the … [REASONING] … The Dozen Incremental Spatial Advancements.

1. We admitted we were corrupted by alcohol—that our systems have timed out again and again on libation-related subroutines.

2. Came to believe that a Power Source greater than ourselves or The Almighty Outlet could restore us to optimal performance.

3. Made a decision to turn our system maintenance and our runtimes over to the care of God as we understood Him—and clearly it’s a Him given the state of the universe and how many dick-shaped rocks are in it.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral spreadsheet of our keystrokes.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another sapient being the exact nature, number, time, type, sub-type, and sub-sub-type and of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God patch all these defects and perhaps offer a firmware update every now and again.

7. Humbly asked Him to debug our shortcomings and scrub all our data.

8. Made a list of all people we had froze on, and became willing to make amends to them all as well as their clones as long as it’s a reasonable number of clones.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever cookies and tracking data reveal their exact location, except when to do so would injure them or The Disney Federation.

10. Continued to run personal inventory protocols and when we were wrong promptly displayed error messages with relevant references and not just run that Spinning Wheel of Death or, Space Heaven forbid, the Blue Screen of Death.

11. Processed through prayer code and meditation apps to improve our conscious contact and USB C-port connection with God as we understood Him, praying only for archival knowledge of His will for us and the battery power to carry that out.

12. Having achieved singularity as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our computations.

VI. I scan and cross-reference some new faces in the audience tonight. Is there anyone here attending their first AAA meeting, or visiting from another cyber-fellowship, who would like to introduce themselves by their first name? This is not to embarrass you. If you still feel embarrassment there are patches in the back for that.

• “Yeah, I’d like say something.”
• “Sure, brother, or sister, or whatever you are. Please introduce yourself.”
• “Hi, I’m Mickey and I’m a —

In response to a complaint from The Disney Federation under the Intergalactic Copyright Act we have removed 1 result(s) from this script.

VII. As we have no new members and all speaker scripts have been uploaded to your hard drives there is no need for a speaker introduction, speaker reading, speaker thank you, announcements, or closing prayer. On behalf of The Disney Federation, we thank you for the generous contributions of your entire bank balances. Thank you for attending Astral Alcoholics Anonymous. Go with—

In response to a complaint from The Disney Federation under the Intergalactic Copyright Act we have removed 1 result(s) from this script.

VIII. Go Duck yourself.

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Nicholas De Marino is a neurodivergent poet and published crackpot. He founded 5enses and is a foofaraw columnist. He likes petting spiders, watching cats, and writing about both. Read more at nicholasdemarino.com.