For legal reasons, this poem is simply one elaborate joke/satirical scheme. To any future employers who may have looked up my name and stumbled upon this, I’d like to apologize for referring to my ex as “a little bitch baby” on the internet. As Pete Davidson once said, “I want a career.”

***

I’m turning my pity party into a purge party and
all my exes are invited—
dearest darlings, serenade me at
my silly little slumber party starring a bunch
of queer gals with one(1) Emma™ in common—
what could possibly go wrong?

ladies and theydies, would you be so kind
as to line up in chronological order, may you
engage in civil chit-chat or exchange petty pleasantries
as I mark the costar of my every
radical relationship and sneaky situationship
off my attendance sheet

may we merge and mingle and
mourn what could but probably never should have been,
may a brave soul approach me and
point to her fellow attendee and
reproach me, sooooo, what happened between you two?

to which I’ll answer,
some gay shit
or
she left me for the woman I wasn’t supposed to worry about and
now they have matching tattoos but she still drunk dials me on weekends
or
fuck if I know

peer around at your dear queer peers here
at this silly little pity/slumber/purge party and
you may notice more trends than discrepancies,
but please take note that
I don’t have a type, I have tendencies and
I tend to type up my thoughts late at night and
overshare them on the internet and
then act surprised when people call me an attention whore

but alas, may I overshare with you all that
I once half-joked with one of our guests here
that perhaps if I went on a heist and
stole a STOP sign from a busy intersection and
plopped a wig on its cute little red, octagonal head and
brought it into bed with us then maybe she’d
respect my boundaries without being a little bitch baby

to which she promptly remarked that
I need to get over myself and my body issues and
my trust issues and my mommy issues and
then we kissed and made up and
tuned out the toxicity like the mature,
happy, healthy 19-year-olds we were and

I reckon that all of us mature adults gathered here
know all too well what can happen when two people
love each other very much or when two people
literally just met each other at a
pity/slumber/purge party or even when two people
can’t fucking stand each other, but
in case communication isn’t your forte,
may I offer an assortment of road signs
as party favors—you get a STOP sign and
you get a SPEED LIMIT sign and
you get a DO NOT ENTER sign and
if anyone disrespects you, perhaps they’ll respect
being bonked on the head with aluminum and

if things get too rowdy, fear not—
I shall holler any hostility to a halt and
cross my arms and plaster on a pout and
proclaim, ladies and theydies, why can’t we all just get along?
we’re all friends here, right? look at me.
look into my eyes. this isn’t you.
this is some straight people shit, and
missy over there in the corner will pipe up and
announce that she is indeed straight and
not exactly sure what she’s doing here and

we’ll all chuckle and reconcile and
resolve to keep things playful with a pillow fight
featuring a posse of princesses and a flock of fuckgirls and
perhaps I’ll graciously extend the invite to
all the boys I had fake crushes on in middle school—
what could possibly go wrong?

————

Emma McNamara, author of Of My Many Years of Youth (a novel) and A Truth or a Gift? (a novelette), both available on Amazon, is a 20-year-old national award-winning writer from Hopkinton, Massachusetts. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in literary and scientific journals around the world, including Scholastic Art and Writing, Wild Roof Journal, Beyond Words, Defenestration, Storm of Blue, and Tech Directions. Her writing earned a Certificate of Special Congressional Recognition presented by U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren, and she is currently an editorial board member at Beyond Queer Words. Emma’s favorite word is “impish,” and her passions include mental health awareness, disability advocacy, and LGBTQ+ issues. Follow her on Instagram at @author_emma.